So what's up with plastic surgery?
Dude, it's amazing. Just when you think you can't see another pair of great boobs, you see an awesome dong.<\/p>\n
Now Lloyd, given your past history as a dirtbag junkie I have to ask: did you take any of Uncle Bob's needles?
No sir, I don't use needles anymore.
Oh, so you got clean?
Nope! Sign here.
This is a straw, Lloyd.<\/p>\n
Everything's jumbo on the Todd. (Doesn't matter that he's a dude. People should know, you're well endowed.)<\/p>\n
Now, let's see who I can sit with that will drive me the least insane.<\/p>\n
(Oh, what a sweet moment, I should ruin it.) Stop that! We're on me now.<\/p>\n
(Aww, he didn't give you a cardboard sleeve. Still, don't rock the boat, you don't want people staring. Besides, how hot can it be? HOLY MOTHER OF GOD! HUGE MISTAKE! HUGE MISTAKE! Just keep moving, no one saw that.)<\/p>\n
It's not a surprise party, Ted. It'll never be.<\/p>\n
I know I'd be a lot happier with some extra cash. Or a friend. Or hair.<\/p>\n
I wonder if they'd still do me after I buried Mom?<\/p>\n
Rounds sucked today.
I know. Doctor Wen didn't set me up once. He didn't say bone, organ, or suction. I mean I did what I could with carpal tunnel, but I don't think people got that I was using that as a metaphor for vagina. <\/p>\n
(Turk's bummed, he definitely needs a high five. But which one? Chin up five? Tough to be black five? Need a hug five, need a tug five? Wait, what's he talking about? Ok, just take the last word he says and add a five to it.)
I dunno, it all seems just a little unfair.
Unfair five.
Thanks man, you always know the right things to say.
I work hard on those.<\/p>\n
Here, take the fake sugars, because I hope you get cancer I really do. Well, my parents were really mean to me.<\/p>\n
I know this is a slowdown, but I can't really work any slower than I already do, so I have to come to a complete stop. Now if you're asking why I'm standing here, specifically? I replaced that bulb with a tanning bulb. I'm tired of being the only white guy at my mosque.<\/p>\n
(Whatever you think is right, sir.) You're an ass! (Ted you idiot! You just said the out loud thing in your head and the in your head thing out loud! Don't make eye contact, just keep moving…)<\/p>\n
All I'm saying is, it's not right, the girl's only 16.
Yeah I felt the same way, until her mother's check cleared.<\/p>\n
Internal uh-oh five.<\/p>\n
I'm so sorry sweetheart, I was just with this super rude patient whose heart kept stopping. He's dead now, but darnitall he should have known that my ex-wife was down here jonesing for a cosmo!<\/p>\n
(Oh great, there he goes off into his fantasy world. Now I'm stuck here waiting until he snaps out of it with some weird comment.)
But we'd have to find a whole lot of gnomes!
That's helpful.<\/p>\n
I can't have her digging up the skeletons in my closet. Although technically they won't be skeletons for another six to eight weeks, right now they're just dead badgers.<\/p>\n
(I need someone Turk will listen to. Someone persuasive. Forceful. Sensitive. If only my dong could talk!)<\/p>\n
What are you thinking, Ted?
(I could jam this through the soft spot in his temple and then slit my wrists with it before anyone got in here to stop me.) The usual, sir.
Well you'd never do it, you don't have the guts.<\/p>\n
If it's ok with you, we'll take that raise now sir.
Ok, but in this little fantasy of yours can I not have prostate problems anymore? I can't sleep 40 minutes without having to take a wizz.<\/p>\n
Ted, are you responsible for this?
Please, sir. I don't have the guts. (OH YEAH! SUCK IT, BITCH! I WILL MURDER YOU!)<\/p>\n
Hell, to make Perry feel inadequate sometimes I fake not having orgasms.<\/p>\n
The point is, if you want to be happy, you should never ever listen to me.
You maybe also want to say you're sorry?
I do not.<\/p>\n
<\/p>\n