Entries Tagged 'Television' ↓

[BlogEntry] Why We Watch Game Shows

Just now, on the game show 1-vs-100, a contestant said he "knew for a fact" that Britney Spears and Kevin Federline were married longer than Pam Anderson and Kid Rock…

…and then had to ask the audience for help on whether it was Don, Lyndon, or Andrew Johnson who was the 36th president of the United States.

That is why I watch game shows. Because I would never have imagined that particular combination of intelligence if there hadn't been video to prove it.

[BlogEntry] Veggie Tales : The Pirates Who Don't Do Anything

Ok, children's movies need to be better. This was incredibly stupid. The following post contains spoilers, but really, if you're old enough to read this blog, are you really interested in the plot?

Think "Three Amigos", with gourds. You've got your three lovable losers who work in a pirate-themed restaurant. They have the love, but not the respect, of their family and friends. Enter a magical "help finder" device that mistakes them for real heros, and presto they're sent back in time where the princess thinks they are real heroes. And the rest writes itself, they confess that they're not real heroes, then they discover the true strength inside themselves blah blah blah save the day.

Well, except for the weird bits. Now, I'm cool with the vegetables not having arms or legs. That's fine. But I'm not sure I realized that stuff just sort of floats in front of them, as if they were carrying it, with no explanation. This makes sword fights very unusual. And then there's the bad guy, who apparently has made himself this weird exoskeleton that gives him arms and legs. But yet…if we're supposed to believe that they all have invisible arms and legs, why would he need that? And then one character mentions his arms like we're supposed to accept that they exist, but another character even says "That's impossible, and that's coming from someone who just swam 92 nautical miles with no arms or legs!" So which is it?

And then there's the cheese curls. Imagine, if you will, a ball pit. You know, the kind of thing you see at a Chuck E Cheese, you jump in, you swim around. Only instead of balls, there are cheese curls. Ok, ready? Now imagine that suddenly all the balls/curls have teeth and are trying to eat you. And worse, when you escape, all the balls start rolling out of the pit and chasing you, no matter what you do. You fall down a hole, they come down the hole after you. You start climbing a mountain, they climb it. You swim away, they swim with you. Sounds like the stuff of nightmares, no? Except, it's a major portion of the movie. I was waiting for my kids to freak out. There's never an explanation of what the creatures are, they're just freakishly scary.

And then, well, there's God. I knew that Veggie Tales had a christian theme, but what with this being a regular movie theatre release I wasn't really sure whether it would come in. Yeah, it does. The whole plot involves saving the prince and princess, both of whom regularly say that the king will save them, once he returns. And let's just say that he does, that's fine, that's part of the plot. Where it gets weird is when the hero tells the king that "your help seeker" (the king apparently invented it) was broken because they weren't real heroes. "No, it did what I wanted it to do," says the king. "I was with you through your whole adventure. When you thought you couldn't go on, I helped you. I was there when you doubted yourself, and I was there when you didn't think you could go on…" and so on. If you don't know that the king is supposed to be god there you should be going "Wait, huh? What? How were you there? You're the king, what do you mean you put a crab on a rock with a clue? That makes no sense!" At one point, the "help seeker" offers to let the heroes go home, clearly before the adventure is complete. "That was a test!" says the god king. "A test that you passed." God's insecurity never fails to amaze and amuse me. An omniscient creature who feels the need to test his creations, when he certainly knows the answer to the test before it begins. Silliness.

Overall, a horrible movie and I am sorry I wasted my time and money taking my kids to see it.

[BlogEntry] American Idol Season 7 : Hollywood Is Not America Lyrics

Took me awhile to find these, because quite frankly I think it's the weakest song they've done yet. But, hey, that's just my opinion. The lyrics to the American Idol exit song has consistently been one of the most popular posts I've ever done. So, here we go. It's by somebody named Ferras. I don't really know anything else about it.

Born Helena Jane
With a restless soul
She moved west to California
Became a Center-Fold

But once you change your name
Well the pieces fall
Now she hardly recognizes herself at all

And there’s never any rain, when you want it
A hollow little game, and you’ve won it
Looking for a thrill but you’ve done it all

So long, put your blue jeans back on girl
Go home
Remember Hollywood’s not America
So long put your blue jeans back on girl
Go home
Remember Hollywood’s not America
O yea

And everybody heres, from somewhere else
You could make a million dollars, but you might lose yourself
And you can take the heat will your heart go cold
They say acting’s just pretending, even that gets old

And there’s never any rain, when you want it
A hollow little game, and you’ve won it
Looking for a thrill but you’ve done it all

So long, put your blue jeans back on girl
Go home
Remember Hollywood’s not America
So long put your blue jeans back on girl
Go home
Remember Hollywood’s not America

And I know what to do when
I know that you
You can be anything you want to be

So long, put your blue jeans back on girl
Go home
Remember Hollywood’s not America
So long put your blue jeans back on girl
Go home
Remember Hollywood’s not America
Hollywood’s not America
It’s not America

More American Idol stories…

Technorati: American Idol

[BlogEntry] Dancing with the Stars : Starring Hillary Clinton?

TVSquad is reporting that Hillary got an invite to Dancing With The Stars. Seems that she said on The Tyra Banks Show that she'd like to compete on the show "if paired with one of those really good partners" (kinda like how she's competing for the White House, apparently…) The show heard this and wasted no time in saying "Come visit the tour and you can dance with whoever you want." No word on her response yet.

[BlogEntry] Celebrity Apprentice 1/10/2008 : The Gene Simmons Edition

I wonder if I'll last for this show, especially as it appears to be going against Grey's Anatomy. When I start getting consistently new episodes over there, Trump is dead to me.

This week starts our with Pierce, apparently drunk, tearing into Omarosa. That's entertaining, but it also makes him look pretty foolish.

This week is make a tv commercial week, and Gene Simmons is the producer. Stephen Baldwin, citing 20 years acting experience (in Bio-Dome, though…), gets to be director. On the ladies' side it is Nely, one of the celenbrities I've never heard of.

This episode is all about how much of an arrogant ass Gene Simmons is. But we knew that from last week's trailer, since it's all supposed to lead up to him insulting Trump's daughter. What happens is that Ivanka comes to check up on the guys and Gene, who has been in "no time to lose" mode from the word go, tells Baldwin that "She'll wait." And then adds, in case anybody didn't know that he's obnoxious, "You're probably gonna go tell the girls team what we're up to, out of that whole sisterhood thing."

The women, on the other hand, are wholly uninteresting. They have a little meditation exercise, which Omarosa calls bullsh*t, and then they visit with the customer for a "Just tell us what you want and we'll do that" meeting – something that the guys skip altogether. The most interesting part of the women's part of the show is when Nadia forgets to order lunch, and you can just tell that she's going on the chopping block because "We would have won if there's been food!"

During the presentations both teams are lousy. The women oversell it, saying they brought a whole Internet campaign as well as radio, when all Trump wants to see is the tv spot. Gene Simmons for the men is equally offensive, telling Trump he doesn't want to talk, he just wants to show his product.

In the end, the guys win. The women got screwed a bit this week as Trump immediately goes to the "Why didn't you use your celebrity to sell it?" thing, but they offered that to the sponsor, who said that he wanted real people with read dog stories. As I guessed, Carol calls out Nadia for firing because she forgot the food. Sure enough it is Nadia who goes, not necessarily because of the food but because nobody sees her as a business leader.

Next week is apparently going to be a spotlight on Simmons again, according to the trailer. I'm beginning to think that he's not getting fired for a long, long time.

[BlogEntry] Why Celebrity News Sucks

EXCLUSIVE: Police Found Bite and Bruises on Jayden James Upon Arrival at Britney Spears' Home, reports US Magazine.

Oh my god! Crazy Britney bit her kid? Wow, she must be nuts! Wow, they're gonna take them away from her for sure!

Now, breathe.

Get down to, oh, the…let me see…1 2 3…4th paragraph. The one where it says, "police were then told by Federline's bodyguard, who had been at the home to pick up the kids, that the injuries were on Jayden before the child had even arrived at Spears' home earlier in the day, and that his older brother, Sean Preston, had actually bit him."

Gossip magazines suck.

[BlogEntry] American Gladiators : Season Premiere

Man, I loved this show as a kid. As a lifelong pro-wrestling fan, this was the perfect Saturday morning show. Imagine all the playground games you played as a kid, turned into real competitive sports. King of the Mountain? Got it. Kill the Guy With The Ball? Got that too.

So I was excited to hear it's back. Not optimistic, for a number of reasons. It's on primetime, apparently at 9pm, and hosted by Hulk Hogan and Laila Ali. Let's see how it goes…

I'm happy to see that they actually kept most of the show the same. Most of the original events are still there, and even when they say something is a new event, it looks like just a reworked version of an older one. They added water to several of the "fall off" events, like Joust, so you get soaked if you fall. Nice, if unnecessary, touch. They did also take the Gladiator out of the final Eliminator station, which is a good idea – that final event should be all about the competitor.

The gladiators are the same sort of personalities you had in the old one – short names like "Titan" or "Fury" and some hint of the character behind them. Wolf, who howls a lot, seems to get lots of tv time. One guy appears to be named Toa, and has some Hawaiian gimmick going. Not sure where they got that idea, as it sticks out like a sore thumb. But you can expect them to all develop fan followings shortly.

Thus far, Hulk is a lousy host. He says "brother" and "dude" a lot, and spends too much time hogging the microphone. But, then, his purpose is to ask questions of people who just got their butts kicked, so they don't have much to say anyway. As a matter of fact, listening to the competitors talk might well be the worst part of the show. Much like typical game shows, some producer backstage tries to convince the competitors that they are as much a charcater as the professional actors, and they go in front of the cameras with all these catchphrases and speeches and just end up sounding stupid. Shut up, win your competition, collect your prize and go home.

I liked it. Looking forward to seeing more. I hope they keep it competitive and don't overproduce it.

[BlogEntry] Celebrity Apprentice : Season Premiere

Ok, normally I would probably give this show a pass, it's a total "jump the shark" moment for Trump and his franchise. But, with the strike going on there's nothing else to watch.

For episode one, Gene Simmons is the star of the show. He's a regular on all the reality shows, and most people familiar with him know that ultimately he's a giant a-hole. There's no reason to think that that's changed.

The task is selling hot dogs. While the women debate whether they should rely on their celebrity and the men wonder what their hook should be, Gene gets on the phone and you hear "Listen, do me a favor, come into the city tomorrow and donate five grand to charity for a hot dog, ok? Thanks." Next thing you know the guy's whole strategy is going through Gene's phone book and getting rich people to swing by and drop off donations.

The women, led by Omarosa (who is a "celebrity" only in the sense that she is a past Apprentice contestant), never stood a chance. By not playing the celebrity card they were selling hot dogs for $5 and lucky to see a $5000 donation, while one call from Gene Simmons brought them $10k. Guys win, $52k to $17k.

I really really really hoped that Omarosa would be the first to go, and she does nothing but subtract from the show. She's annoying to look at and to listen to. But Trump ends up firing the Playboy playmate because she never called Hugh Hefner for money. That's just dumb.

One change this season that I like is that the men got to watch the boardroom on video. It was fun hearing their comments. "Omarosa is a cockroach,you can't kill her!"

[BlogEntry] Abilify : They're Kidding, Right?

Just caught this on tv, and it is so worth blogging.

"Abilify may control symptoms of bipolar mania and reduce the risk of manic relapse…

Ok, so far so good, seems like a thing worth treating.

"When taking Abilify call your doctor if you have high fever, stiff muscles and confusion, as these may be signs of a life-threatening reaction."

Life threatening? That'd suck. But I suppose there are plenty of medications out there that, if you have a bad reaction, can mess you up.

"Or if you have muscle movements that can not be stopped, as these may become permanent."

Umm…that's not cool.

"High blood sugar has been reported in some patients taking Abilify. In extreme cases this can lead to coma, or death."

Watch blood sugar….check. Got it. I think.

"Elderly people with dementia should not take Abilify due to an increased risk of death or stroke."

Stop saying death! It's not good to say "may cause death" repeatedly when advertising your product!

"Some people feel faint upon standing. Other side effects include impaired judgement and motor skills, and trouble swallowing."

Look on the bright side, he didn't say "anal leakage."

[BlogEntry] Scrubs Quotes : My Number One Doctor

I'm loving this final season, the episodes are really good. I wish they did more with Kelso's upcoming retirement, though, instead of just making him the random comedy guy.  Remember in the early seasons when people feared him?  The whole RateYourDoc.org thing was a little silly, although the site does work. 

You've got something on your face.
Me.  Oh god, I feel like such a hobag but I'm so glad I did it.

I do declare, spendin special relationary time with my special lady makes me feel happier than a bullfrog in a beetle bin.
  Why are you talking like that?
Because I'm smitten with my girlfriend Lady, and this is my smitten voice.

You guys are playing Smelly Belly?

You guys aren't even friends, why do you spend so much time competing over everything?
  Because we're men, and that is what men do.
(And now a quick look to Turk to see if that is what men do.)

Don't forget I crushed you at Find The Vein In The Junkie.

Do you know the muffin man, the muffin man…if anybody needs me I'll be in my office going to town on these bad boys.

Why are you guys so obsessed with reliving everything you've won?
  Because we're winners, that's what winners do.
(Back to Turk for confirmation…..Damnit!)

If along the way you all become paranoid and overly competitive, happy birthday to me.

Dr. Kelso I became a doctor to save lives.  Heal wounds.  And occasionally to drop the MD bomb to pull hot tail in bars.
  You know what else works?  Cosmonaut.  Thank me later.

I reckon my lady's as pretty as a porcupine on rollerskates.

That's what we smitten folk call a "metty for".  You little lady have a head as empty as a whipporwhill in a tub of moonshine.

Well I would say love is blind, but we both know that isn't true.  My love for Enid falls a percentage point for every pound she gains.  Since our wedding day I am one hundred and thirty six percent less in love with her.
  You're really gonna comment on your wife's weight when you've got muffins stuffed down your pants?
I like them warm.

You should have invited me, I can cry on cue.  Say "dead puppies."

He's still gonna give me a good review, see we're DBFFs.  Diabetic best friends forever.

Now I have to take your laptop from you as I've deemed you just too darned stupid to use it.  You see those bell peppers that you're munching?  They aren't gonna do a truckload of jack against the cancer raging inside your body.  I've only been a doctor for some twenty years, and the person who wrote that wikipedia entry also authored the Battlestar Galactica episode guide so what the heck do I know?  But if you feel like living, page me.

That's what she likes, he's pretending to be normal.
  NO WAY!  Too much?

If you took too many benzodiazepines, you could have died.
  Then that's exactly what I'll do next time.  Grape?

Oh, it's called Rate Your Doc dot org. I'm on a completely different more awesome site. 

How could I be last, all my patients are dead!
  Doug, remember that guy you put in the morgue drawer, turns out he was just heavily sedated?

Someone named Coco Bosco wrote that she's sick of me saying "Dat's what I'm talking about."  But sometimes dat is what I'm talking about!

If you like her, you can't keep lying to her.
  Hogwash.  Lie forever, it's the natural form of communication between men and women. Hell, Enid still thinks it's too snowy to go outside.  I spray the windows with shaving cream.  Her wheelchair tears up the lawn.

Remember when you were treating that teenager and you broke his ipod?  You felt so guilty you let him take you to prom.
  Yeah well I left early and I barely put out.

What's with the jumpsuit?
  First of all we're gonna make it not a jumpsuit. Shirt belt pants.

I'm not like normal people.  I don't have super powers, but I'm working on it.  For instance watch me move this pen. It worked at home, I dunno, maybe my table is slanted. Um, anyway, in my spare time I enjoy stuffing animals.  Usually with other animals. For instance a badger will hold five squirrels, a squirrel will hold most of a cat.  A mouse will hold a shrew and a vole.  You get the idea, circle of life.  I have broken the sound barrier, but you must never ask me how.  I don't believe in the moon, I think it's just the back of the sun. 
  Hello, train wreck.

Whaddya say, 23?
  (Oh my god, another new nickname?   But what does it mean?  Play it cool 23, you'll find out eventually.)  That's what they call me.  Why do they call me that?

There's nothing you can do.
  What if I let you beat me at basketball while the nurses watch?
Can we yell White Lightning whenever I make a basket?
  We always do.
Back in.


More Scrubs Quotes