Entries from March 2007 ↓

Wow, really? Can she come over and teach Maya that trick? My kids seem to think there is an endless amount of time available for goofing off in the mornings.

After mentioning TaxCut in a blog post over at Commute Smarter, somebody from the company sent me a coupon for a free copy of the software (including e-file) which goes for about $75. I'd already bought the program and filed my taxes, so I'm giving it away.

To enter, see the original post for more details. Good luck!

Dang! I missed it! Did Chris seriously get kicked off? That fatty deserved it. He seriously needs to go on a diet.

Well the Sanjaya juggernaut continues as once again he's not even in the bottom three. This time the bottom three is Phil, Haley and … Chris Sligh? Interesting. The first two surprise me as neither of them sang bad enough to be eliminated for it, and Chris Sligh surprises me because I thought that his fan club would have been enough to keep him around. Where's Chris R in the bottom? And Sanjaya?

Anyway, Chris Sligh's going home. So much for making David Hasselhoff cry. My neighbor's going to be upset, she had him in the pool.

More American Idol stories…

Technorati: American Idol

Albeit an imaginary one. Elizabeth (not yet 3) has a new thing where she comes into my bathroom in the morning before I take a shower and says, "I wear your watch, Daddy." So I strap my watch onto her arm.

"In five minutes Katherine wake up," she says. "I all done." Then she takes the watch off and walks away.

Done it every day this week, the exact same.

The only redeeming quality of the results show is that demonstrations of professional ballroom dancing. Combining that with a song (or two) from whatever B-list celebrity they have on hand that week actually makes them both bearable, compared with something like American Idol where we have no choice but to sit and listen to Carrie or Fantasia or whoever is legally obligated to sing that week. On Dancing we can ignore Dionne Warwick and watch Anna Trebunskya wiggle her hips.

Anyway, it comes down to Paulina and Shandi, which seems to pretty well demonstrate that all these things are popularity contests, not talent contests. Paulina and Shandi didn't stand out. Billy Ray, even if he's a lousy dancer, has got a following because of his television show. The audience doesn't vote for people they don't know.

Can I take a moment to say how badly Samantha screwed up several times tonight? At one point she said "after the babank" instead of "after the break" which had Tom looking at her strange, and then later she completely screwed up the tease about who was in the bottom two when she said "Paulina and Alec….uhh…." before going on to just list everybody's name. Turns out they were in the bottom two anyway. Bad cover.

Speaking of them, Paulina is indeed the first to go. That must piss off Alec. Remember, he was the season one champion. You have to figure that he was looking forward to making a real showing of it.

When I heard that Gwen Stefani (No Doubt) was the special guest this week, I thought it could be pretty cool. I liked that era of music. They could easily have gone with a 90's theme. Instead we got a bunch of Police and Donna Summer in a boring "what inspired me" theme week. Was it stuff that inspired Gwen Stefani? I couldn't quite figure that out, why would we care what her inspirations were?

Lakisha (Let's Dance, Donna Summer) – Does doing classic disco tunes show any real range for Lakisha? Sure it was faster than her usual, and she actually moved around the stage, but maybe I just hate the song in general.

Chris Sligh (Every Little Thing, The Police) – Chris can't stay on the beat and everybody calls him on it, judges and Gwen Stefani as well, going so far as to say that it's painful for the audience to listen to. It really was bad this week, even his look was off. He looked fat and winded, quite frankly.

Gina (I'll Stand By You) – Unlike Lakisha, Gina brings us a "stand there and belt it out" song, and the judges go nuts for it. Simon's all compliments as well, saying "That wasn't one of your best, that *was* your best."

Sanjaya (Bathwater, No Doubt) – Oh dear God what did Sanjaya do to his hair this week? If we rule out the fact that he looked stupid, it really shows that the kid has a set on him. They make fun of his hair every week, so now he's saying "I dare you." That's confidence. He reminded me of a character from Mad Max or something. Simon tells him that it doesn't matter what they say, the people that like him will vote for him.

Haley (True Colors, Cyndi Lauper) – Going against the advice of the professional, Haley mucks all around with the melody of the song and the judges don't love it. They tell her that it's boring and too adult/contemporary, and anybody could have done that.

Phil (Every Breath You Take, The Police) – Hey, he's got the hat back. I can't decide which I like better. At least this hat fits. I do like his song this week, maybe it's not so bad that he's stuck around. The judges like it as well.

Melinda (Heaven Knows, Donna Summer) – Have the judges ever said anything bad about Melinda? I don't think so. The worst Simon said was that he didn't like her outfit.

Blake (Love Song, The Cure) – I can't believe that Blake busted out such a kill yourself slow song like The Cure. I dig Blake, I want to see him win the whole thing, but man I wanted to put him out of his own misery during that song. The judges, on the other hand, really liked it. Simon told him multiple times that he's the best of the guys.

Jordin (Hey Baby, No Doubt) – I really did not enjoy Jordin's version of the song, but I can't put my finger on why. Seems like more of a team effort sort of song, not really a solo thing. Plus, can we talk about the outfit? She looked like she just got off of field hockey practice and decided to wrap a picnic table cloth around herself. Totally distracting. Seriously, was that gym shorts she was wearing?

Chris R (Don't Speak, No Doubt) – I just don't enjoy the way this kid sings, what can I say. Gwen calls it "vocal Olympics". Blah. It's slow, it's all over the place, and he's got a weird habit of looking over his shoulder like he's expecting the band to come up on stage or something. Time to go.

Speaking of time to go, I have no idea who it will be this week. Sanjaya has really messed up everybody's predictions. It's really up in the air.

More American Idol stories…

I am seriously behind in my blogging, so let's get right to the couples, what they danced to, and how they did.

Apolo Anton Ohno and  Julianne Hough (Two Hearts Living in Just One Mind)  Better than last week (where I said he wasn't as good as I'd expected him to be), the judges are clearly setting him up as the front runner.

Shandi Finnessey and Brian Fortuna (Right Now) She just doesn't really have the natural grace, and is pulling low scores.  She won't last long, although she might not be the first to go.

Clyde Drexler and Elena Grinenko (Your Love Keeps Lifting Me Higher)  All the judges say Clyde did well, but low scores don't back that up.  He could be in danger.

Leeza Gibbons and Tony Dovolani (Independent Women, Destiny's Child) Leeza's not really relaxing and getting into it.  Sure, she's 50, but John Ratzenberger is older than that and he's getting into the spirit.

Ian Ziering and Cheryl Burke (Don't Get Me Wrong, Pretenders) Ian drops to fourth place, looks like he's not much of a front runner after all.

Paulina Porizkova and Alec Mazo (La Bamba, Richie Valens)  After making a big deal out of the "death drop", it's really not that big of a deal.  Carrie Anne sums it up:  "I think it's very apparent this is not natural for your body."

Billy Ray Cyrus and Karina Smirnoff (Ring of Fire, Johnny Cash) Much improved from last week, but still at the bottom of the pack. People on the net are speaking of the "Disney vote" keeping him around since he plays somebody's dad on some show for the teenybopper set.  We shall see.

Heather Mills and Jonathan Roberts (Mambo Italiano)  I was worried about the mambo for Heather, thinking that she couldn't do any serious hip wiggling.  I was very wrong.  Not only did she survive it, she actually did very well.  She even included what I think is called a "back walkover" which is something nobody else tried.

John Ratzenberger and Edyta Sliwinska (The Lady Is A Tramp) Oh, I hate it when the old guys bust out the props (like John's pocketwatch).  It never bodes well in the long run, it just says "more time spent not dancing".  He does all right, that's about the best you can say.  He tried.  I think the difference between John and some of the other charismatic gentlemen like Springer, Hamilton and O'Hurley is that he's giving the opinion he really doesn't care if he gets eliminated.  The others all seemed like they were really trying hard and wanted to stay from week to week.  Ratzenberger is like "Hey, I come out and do what I do."

Laila Ali and Maksim Chmerkovskiy (I have no idea, it was not in English)  The judges just love Laila, but I don't see it.  Maybe they're digging on her mambo because she's got the most defined set of hips in the whole competition.  For me I can't get over the man voice.   The judges catapult her into the lead.  Will the audience get behind her as well?

Joey Fatone and Kym Johnson (Tell Her About It, Billy Joel)  The judges claim to love Joey, but his low score (24) doesn't seem to match that.  Since that still left him in second place you wonder if they deliberately put Laila out in front by giving her a 27.

Who is going home this week?  Seems like Billy Ray is the obvious choice, but who really knows.  Sometimes it's a matter of who the audience gets behind.  If that's the case then it could easily be Shandi or Paulina or even Leeza, none of them have really got the pizzazz to keep the camera focused on them.

What a fun show! I think Kathleen is just the greatest coreographer ever! I think all the contestants are talented, but I would like to see Max and Laura get the parts. I also think Austin get a part in the show. Can't wait to see who wins.

I am disappointed in the continuing transformation of Dr. Cox into Hawkeye Pierce.  After all the build up that Scrubs is going to kill off a cast member, do you mean to tell me that they're couching it in an episode that once again showcases Perry's angst at the world?  Was there a single argument that he made against religion that the rest of us didn't get bored with back in college?  Is an experienced doctor still having trouble with this? Bad things happen to good people.  Some folks choose to use this as a demonstration that there is no omnipotent being, and others say that there's always a reason for things, whether we understand it or not.  Check.  I don't believe at all his mania for trying to break Laverne's spirit.  Or worse that his mind could be so quickly changed by the comment about how they've been better than ever since the pre-natal surgery.  The big question now is whether they will continue the current story line to its logical conclusion, or if this is just a headfake to set us up for a real shocker.  I just wish I understood what we're supposed to get out of it.  Perry going to become a believer?  Not really in character for him.  He going to become ever angrier at the world for no consistent reason?  He's already got that.

The good news is that the other storylines and writing were very good this week.  It's a shame that some of the best bits (like JD grabbing Turk's leg, or Janitor's JD stare, or Kelso's "say it with this face") can't really be transcribed.

Can a doctor bring a patient's dog into the hospital?
  I'm going to say the same thing I said to my new gardener when he asked me for Easter off.  No way, Jose.  His name's actually Jose, that's why I hired him.

Wait what happened to all of your cleaning supplies?
  Actually that's a really funny story.
And?
  Nothing, I'm just looking at my cleaning supplies.  I got drunk last night and threw them up in that tree.

Just stay cool.
  No problemo.  Top of morning Doctor Walter Mickhead!  Snoop Dogg Resident, when we hitting the clubs, yo?  Oh Colonel Doctor, that tie looks finger-lickin good.
So natural.  Did you act in college?
  I did, thank you.

I need you to go to the video store and get me anything with Viggo Somethingsen.  I need white chocolate, strawberry seltzer, peppercorn brie and a polaroid of the tomato plant I planted last spring because I'm worried it may have snails.  Oh, and if you see that neighbor Lena from down the hall I want you to roll your eyes and say the word slut.  Under your breath, but loud enough so she can hear.  And don't forget to be home by six-thirty because you've got to give Jack his bath before you make my dinner!
  But, when will I have time to kill myself?

Skeptical air five!

My mom put a nanny-cam in my bathroom.  She said my baths were too long.

We did everything we could for your mom, but sometimes life just…
  Booooooobiesssss!
Gotta go.  Boobie horn.

Oh God, Keith and I haven't had sex in so long.
  Ok, you said the same thing when you saw me changing Izzie's diaper.  What are you and Keith doing to each other?

Why don't you hop aboard the what's up Dr. Cox's butt trolley and we can begin our tour.  Coming up on our left is my bloated, bed-ridden ex-wife who's not allowed to lift a finger, which thankfully leaves it all up to these guys.  Now if you'll look to your right, you'll see my waning libido, my crushed soul, and my very last nerve which I would advise you not to get on, under or even close to.

Does it help to know that Jesus loves you?
  It does not.

Are you really trying to tell me that things like New Orleans, Aids, sugar-free ice cream, crack babies, Hugh Jackman and cancer all happen for a reason? 

God works all things for good.  Romans, 8 28.
  Bull dinky.  Perry Cox, six one.  A buck eighty five after lunch.

I'd let her give me a bath, I don't care if my mom was watching.

Can you make her eat a banana?
  It's not interactive, Todd.

(And then every male in the room fell totally in sync, resulting in the rarest of all phenomena, the Seamless Collaborative Guy Lie.)
  The American season is over.  We were watching Mexican football.
    They started late this year.
      Because of the churro vendors.
        They went on strike and the players wouldn't cross the picket line.
          When the dispute turned violent they called in Roderigo Vasquez, the owner of the Baja Banditos, to step in.
            Thanks to Senor Vasquez' dealing with the fruit pickers unions, he was able to broker a last minute deal and the season was salvaged.
              And that's why we're watching football in the spring.

Where's the disinfectant, Lurch?

Hey, the little fella figured out the latch.  Just like the snakes.

Why is it so important that everyone believes what you do?
  Because I'm right, and I'm the only one with any proof.

I interviewed 23 girls until I found Heather.  But if I ever catch you eyeballing her again I will fire her tight little butt.  And then you'll get to spend every waking moment interviewing the next 23 fugly ass candidates until we find another good one.

And babam! I blew Laverne's argument clean out of the water when I asked her why an eight year old got knifed.
  Oh my god, that is so lucky.
I know.  I was thrilled.

It's infuriating.  I must break her.

You know how I can never use the word love except in a sarcastic way, like I love other's people's kids, or I love that haircut!  By the way, love that haircut, Per.  
  Everybody does.

I just wanted to let you know that you've really been there for me these past few weeks, and I'm really glad I have you.
  That was embarrassing for you.

He said Careful Jumpsuit, who signs your paychecks? And I said I don't know, the chief accountant Charles Fickenson and Dickenson or something, I can't read the signature, and for the hundredth time this is not a jumpsuit, it's a shirt and a pants.  Who wears a belt with a jumpsuit?

That's not her dad, that's the delivery guy in a sweater.
  My name is Lloyd.
    Stay in character.
  She's my world!

During the last one I'm taking the woman's vitals and her grandson kept trying to poke his tiny little fingers up my butt.
  Kids, huh?
He's 41, Carla. He just has very small hands.
  Oh that's not right.

Oh my god, Chad Miller, Danny Murphy, Jim Steggert?  Three football players who used to beat my up in high school.
  Looks like we were wrong about you, man.
What are you guys up to now?
  We're all gay together.  You remember Kristin Fisher?
Of course.  You turned me down homecoming and prom, even though I didn't ask you to either one.
    Well I'd love to make it up to you and have sex with both of you.  If that's all right with you, Heather.
      As long as we make it all about JD.
Sure!  Come on in!

Come on Buddy.
  Where did I lose you?
How did Kristin know Heather's name?
  Damn!  You're good.  We went line dancing and I cut her with one of my spurs.

The last movie I went to see was the Blair Witch Project, which is the main reason why I've stopped camping. That and the time a wolf mounted me.

For a half-breed baby your parents have some pretty nice stuff.

She was a racist thief!
  A smoking hot racist thief.

(Be careful, though, because if you start believing that bad things happen for a reason, it hurts that much more when they don't.)

More Scrubs Quotes