[BlogEntry] Scrubs : My No Good Reason

I am disappointed in the continuing transformation of Dr. Cox into Hawkeye Pierce.  After all the build up that Scrubs is going to kill off a cast member, do you mean to tell me that they're couching it in an episode that once again showcases Perry's angst at the world?  Was there a single argument that he made against religion that the rest of us didn't get bored with back in college?  Is an experienced doctor still having trouble with this? Bad things happen to good people.  Some folks choose to use this as a demonstration that there is no omnipotent being, and others say that there's always a reason for things, whether we understand it or not.  Check.  I don't believe at all his mania for trying to break Laverne's spirit.  Or worse that his mind could be so quickly changed by the comment about how they've been better than ever since the pre-natal surgery.  The big question now is whether they will continue the current story line to its logical conclusion, or if this is just a headfake to set us up for a real shocker.  I just wish I understood what we're supposed to get out of it.  Perry going to become a believer?  Not really in character for him.  He going to become ever angrier at the world for no consistent reason?  He's already got that.

The good news is that the other storylines and writing were very good this week.  It's a shame that some of the best bits (like JD grabbing Turk's leg, or Janitor's JD stare, or Kelso's "say it with this face") can't really be transcribed.

Can a doctor bring a patient's dog into the hospital?
  I'm going to say the same thing I said to my new gardener when he asked me for Easter off.  No way, Jose.  His name's actually Jose, that's why I hired him.

Wait what happened to all of your cleaning supplies?
  Actually that's a really funny story.
  Nothing, I'm just looking at my cleaning supplies.  I got drunk last night and threw them up in that tree.

Just stay cool.
  No problemo.  Top of morning Doctor Walter Mickhead!  Snoop Dogg Resident, when we hitting the clubs, yo?  Oh Colonel Doctor, that tie looks finger-lickin good.
So natural.  Did you act in college?
  I did, thank you.

I need you to go to the video store and get me anything with Viggo Somethingsen.  I need white chocolate, strawberry seltzer, peppercorn brie and a polaroid of the tomato plant I planted last spring because I'm worried it may have snails.  Oh, and if you see that neighbor Lena from down the hall I want you to roll your eyes and say the word slut.  Under your breath, but loud enough so she can hear.  And don't forget to be home by six-thirty because you've got to give Jack his bath before you make my dinner!
  But, when will I have time to kill myself?

Skeptical air five!

My mom put a nanny-cam in my bathroom.  She said my baths were too long.

We did everything we could for your mom, but sometimes life just…
Gotta go.  Boobie horn.

Oh God, Keith and I haven't had sex in so long.
  Ok, you said the same thing when you saw me changing Izzie's diaper.  What are you and Keith doing to each other?

Why don't you hop aboard the what's up Dr. Cox's butt trolley and we can begin our tour.  Coming up on our left is my bloated, bed-ridden ex-wife who's not allowed to lift a finger, which thankfully leaves it all up to these guys.  Now if you'll look to your right, you'll see my waning libido, my crushed soul, and my very last nerve which I would advise you not to get on, under or even close to.

Does it help to know that Jesus loves you?
  It does not.

Are you really trying to tell me that things like New Orleans, Aids, sugar-free ice cream, crack babies, Hugh Jackman and cancer all happen for a reason? 

God works all things for good.  Romans, 8 28.
  Bull dinky.  Perry Cox, six one.  A buck eighty five after lunch.

I'd let her give me a bath, I don't care if my mom was watching.

Can you make her eat a banana?
  It's not interactive, Todd.

(And then every male in the room fell totally in sync, resulting in the rarest of all phenomena, the Seamless Collaborative Guy Lie.)
  The American season is over.  We were watching Mexican football.
    They started late this year.
      Because of the churro vendors.
        They went on strike and the players wouldn't cross the picket line.
          When the dispute turned violent they called in Roderigo Vasquez, the owner of the Baja Banditos, to step in.
            Thanks to Senor Vasquez' dealing with the fruit pickers unions, he was able to broker a last minute deal and the season was salvaged.
              And that's why we're watching football in the spring.

Where's the disinfectant, Lurch?

Hey, the little fella figured out the latch.  Just like the snakes.

Why is it so important that everyone believes what you do?
  Because I'm right, and I'm the only one with any proof.

I interviewed 23 girls until I found Heather.  But if I ever catch you eyeballing her again I will fire her tight little butt.  And then you'll get to spend every waking moment interviewing the next 23 fugly ass candidates until we find another good one.

And babam! I blew Laverne's argument clean out of the water when I asked her why an eight year old got knifed.
  Oh my god, that is so lucky.
I know.  I was thrilled.

It's infuriating.  I must break her.

You know how I can never use the word love except in a sarcastic way, like I love other's people's kids, or I love that haircut!  By the way, love that haircut, Per.  
  Everybody does.

I just wanted to let you know that you've really been there for me these past few weeks, and I'm really glad I have you.
  That was embarrassing for you.

He said Careful Jumpsuit, who signs your paychecks? And I said I don't know, the chief accountant Charles Fickenson and Dickenson or something, I can't read the signature, and for the hundredth time this is not a jumpsuit, it's a shirt and a pants.  Who wears a belt with a jumpsuit?

That's not her dad, that's the delivery guy in a sweater.
  My name is Lloyd.
    Stay in character.
  She's my world!

During the last one I'm taking the woman's vitals and her grandson kept trying to poke his tiny little fingers up my butt.
  Kids, huh?
He's 41, Carla. He just has very small hands.
  Oh that's not right.

Oh my god, Chad Miller, Danny Murphy, Jim Steggert?  Three football players who used to beat my up in high school.
  Looks like we were wrong about you, man.
What are you guys up to now?
  We're all gay together.  You remember Kristin Fisher?
Of course.  You turned me down homecoming and prom, even though I didn't ask you to either one.
    Well I'd love to make it up to you and have sex with both of you.  If that's all right with you, Heather.
      As long as we make it all about JD.
Sure!  Come on in!

Come on Buddy.
  Where did I lose you?
How did Kristin know Heather's name?
  Damn!  You're good.  We went line dancing and I cut her with one of my spurs.

The last movie I went to see was the Blair Witch Project, which is the main reason why I've stopped camping. That and the time a wolf mounted me.

For a half-breed baby your parents have some pretty nice stuff.

She was a racist thief!
  A smoking hot racist thief.

(Be careful, though, because if you start believing that bad things happen for a reason, it hurts that much more when they don't.)


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