[BlogEntry] Scrubs : My Identity Crises

Wow, what in the world has Christa Miller (Jordan) done to herself?  Is it the nose, or the lips?  She looks painfully awful.  Everything about her now, her looks, her character, her voice, all make me want her scenes to be over.

By the way, if you're wondering why "Laverne" is suddenly back, here's the gossip – the actress who played Laverne (Aloma Wright, although I think I'm spelling that wrong) was talked into getting killed off with the thought that last season was the final season. So when they got picked up for another season, the producers felt that she'd gotten screwed. So they wrote her back in. I admire the loyalty, but still wish they hadn't done it.

Once again, Dr. Kelso gets the best line of the week with "Did she just call me Bob?  I will kick her again!"

I don't even like waterparks.  I mean I did, until someone thought it'd be funny to go down the slide two seconds after me.
  Dude the lifeguard told me to go.
Really!  Did he also tell you to take your trunks off, Turk?  Because the last thing a guy wants to see when he's in a splash pool is his best friend's junk headed towards him at forty miles an hour.  Felt like I got pistol whipped.

Why do you call these babies?
  It could be that when I was a kid I didn't have any toys.  I used to make my own toys, as a matter of fact.  And I would take the toilet paper rolls, draw little faces on them, name em, surround myself with them and hope they'd protect me.  I went out to the side of the road to try and sell them one time, make a little money on my own, you know?  But no one bought any, and when I came home everyone was gone.

You know how you and I don't talk so much?  If you're wondering whether that makes me happy or sad, it makes me happy.

Oops, missed a spot.  Sad for you!

Mmmmm, first spill of the day!

Snoop Dogg attending!  Where my ho's at?

Hey, Teddy.  Looking bald and sweaty.
  Putting my smile away…..and on with the day.

Yeah, that looks like a healthy bone.
  Speaking of healthy bones?
  One second, ma'am.  I've got one in my pants.  He's all yours.

What have you been doing all day?
  Right up until this very second I've been avoiding you.

I'm taking the kids to my mothers for the weekend.  And seeing's how you're not allowed within forty feet of her house…
  The restraining order.
Christmas memories!

If they do this at all sporting events, I'm gonna start going.  Yay!

For some reason the car was half an hour early.
  Yeah.  That was me.

Sometimes you've just gotta say, what the fudge.
  That's not the line.
I saw it on a plane.

I feel like I'm looking at Laverne again.  You just got yourself a new nickname, missy.  See ya later, Lavernagin.

I want to take her to the homeland.
  Baby you're from Chicago, why don't you just get her a deepdish pizza?

Turk I was referring to the Dominican Republic and if you say isn't that where I bought my wrinklefree chinos, I may kill you.

Go to hell, Bob.
  I didn't even say anything!

Kicking me under the table's not gonna make me leave either.
  I did it.  You talk too much.
    Say Bob?  Sorry about that go to hell thing, earlier.
We cool.

Did she just call me Bob?  I will kick her again.

You see, I'm a lot of things.  I'm a scorpio, a registered independent, a foodie, a parrothead, yup I do love that Jimmy Buffet always have always will, a leg man…
  A right bastard.
Thank you, Bob, but I can assure you the one thing I am not is
Audience participation is now over.

You're such a man of the people, do you even know anybody's real name?

Snoop, I'd hoped you legally changed your name to Snoop.  Never got around to that?

(Ok you can get this one, I know it's just like Beardface but not Beardface.  Oh, yeah.) Beardmouth!
  It's BeardFahSay, damnit!

Daddy?  Gramma says you once peed in the garden.

I heard Jordan's staying away the whole week now?  We've been texting ever since we both found out we're both nervous pooers.  I turned her on to one soundproofer so talented even someone with their ear to your door can't hear when you fluffy.
  Interesting.  When she gets back you to should see about getting together and having a crazy off.
I'm gonna text her that you said that.

Say, Ted, these are all just blank pieces of white paper?
  Shhhh!  You need to look busy.

Hello, tall dark and whatever.
  Well done, Dr. John "I Think I'm A Man Of The People But Now Thanks To The Janitor Everyone Knows I'm A Fraud And I Have Egg On My Face" Dorian.  That's your clever new nickname.
(Oh my god, you finally have a nickname!)

If I win, you have to do my job for a day.
  And if I win?
I have to do my job for a day.
  How is that fair?
I'll actually do my job, for a day.
  Ohhh, deal!  Do you know how?
It's been awhile.

Ok Dr. John "I Think I'm A Man Of The People But Now Thanks To The Janitor Everyone Knows I'm A Fraud And I Have Egg On My Face" Dorian.
   Very funny.  (Perfect!  Pretend you hate the nickname, that way it'll stick.)

Who's this?
  It's a doctor, I think it's Patrick, or Paul…
It's Gwen.  Although she does have a mean case of manface.

Dr. Cox I just want to throw this out there, it feels really good to be your student again.
  Take that back, or I am going to shove every one of these polaroids down your throat.
(Back to best friends it is!)

Like this guy.  Look at him.  Now, there's no way he's ever going to make love to a woman unless that woman is dead.  And dead rhymes with Ted.  Ted.
  That's how most people remember it.

What was your mnemonic device for remembering my name?
  Do you really want to know?
Do I?

(And arm around him….oh my god, is this what heaven is like?)

I do need to learn more about my heritage.  So I called my mom, and she said somehow, distantly, I'm related to the guy who invented peanuts.
  Turk, that's George Washington Carver, and he didn't invent peanuts, he just thought of uses for them.
I'm talking about the little foam packaging peanuts.  How dumb do you think I am?

You just don't get what's really bothering me.
  Couple days ago you dreamed in English.  Three years of marriage and I'm starting to pay attention.

It's bad enough that when people look at my daughter they only see your African princess. They think she's black, not half black half Latina.
  That's not true.
Oh really?  Watch.  Sir.  What race would you say this baby is?
    Well, half black, half Latina, most likely Dominican origin.  Then again I am the new hospital geneticist.

I like the way I was.
  Oh you mean the giant jackass that nobody can stand to be around for more than twenty seconds.
Yes.  I love that guy.
    Me too.

All right.  He looks like a serial killer, which is a kind of cereal I'd want to stay away from, like oat bran.  Brandon.

Ok, Snoop Dogg attending.  I saw him without his pants on once and he has crazy skinny legs, like french fries.  French fries are sold at McDonalds, whose founder is Ronald McDonald.  Ronald.
  Saw him without his pants on once?

Ok Jordan, you win.  I miss you guys.
  I miss you too, Daddy!
Jordan?  Would you like to say the same thing?
    I would not.
  She would not.

Colonel Doctor.  I call him that because he looks like that Kentucky Fried Chicken guy.  KFC makes coleslaw.  Coleman Slawsky.  Incidentally my favorite name ever.

It's like this ammonia is seeping into my brain and making me violent and angry and hateful.
  Yup, that's how it starts.
What the hell are you looking at?
That felt good.

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