Holy frick you're still pregnant! Hey do you think that I should marry Keith?
It's just that every time I think about running away I look at the fat guy in the track suit with the giant rabbit head and he doesn't say anything. He's my conscience. I realized I'd listen to it more if I imagined something I was really afraid of. The track suit because I had this mean phys ed teacher in high school named Mr. Fertelli, and the rabbit head because my uncle once ate rabbit and he got belly worms.
Thanks for being alone with me, Choco.
When it comes to babies, women are crazy. If you would please hold Izzie by that rim over there, I'm gonna photoshop a basketball into her hand and photoshop you out of the picture, everybody's gonna think my baby can dunk, right! It's gonna be crazy!
Pregnant women are among a select group of people who are actually allowed to act insane, much like sports mascots, local weathermen, theme park performers and that guy with the question mark jacket who teaches people how to get free money from the government. Besides, we're talking about your kid, I think we both know what you're gonna do.
Dorian, don't watch a nudie movie while the mother of your child is in the next room!
Really?
Eh, I'm cool with it. Wow, have I got a carrot for her!
(Since Kim didn't have an OB here in town we made her an appointment at the hospital. Unfortunately that meant she had to face all the people that were mad at her for what she had done. There was my best friend, who was furious. And my mentor, who was equally upset, but didn't want to show it…)
Hi Kim!
Hey Perry.
(And other aquaintances who were much more loyal than I thought.)
Hussy!
Liar!
Jerk! Who is that?
And by the way all the sympathy that's coming your way? It's gonna turn. And when it does, I'm gonna be here, and I'm gonna enjoy…hey! Not finished!…. it.
(Since Turk was a surgeon, he always had the same answer.)
I'm slicing that guy open.
Let me phrase my response in the form of a riddle. What's black and white and should never, ever, ever be allowed inside of a hospital?
Ooo! Is it Lloyd and Cherisse? Because their PDA has gotten out of control.
Is it still funny to yell "get a room"? I don't care, I'm going for it. Get a room!
How'd you get so good at being mean?
It gets easier when you're married.
Since you got engaged you've become much more of a control freak.
I'm not that bad.
You wrote my wedding toast.
Yeah I just wanted to make sure there weren't any sex jokes in it because my
grandma Lottie still thinks I'm a virgin, despite what was painted on our town's water
tower.
It's gotta have a bathroom with a bidet, because I can't wear my going out thong if I've got sand in my patootie.
Turk, for the last time there's no place called Kokomo, ok?
Where'd the Beach Boys shoot the video then, huh?
I hate ultrasounds, the gel always feels like a whale hocked a loogie on my belly.
It's a boy.
A boy…what's his name?
He didn't say. We have to pick one.
Can we name him Sam, after my dad?
After what I did to you, we can name this kid whatever the hell you want.
We can name him Sam Perry Gilligan Dorian? Perry, just because, I kind of like the
ring to it and Gilligan because I lost that bet to Turk.
Those are all better than anything nerdy like Aragorn or Chewbacca.
Turk has dibs on Chewie.
Once spring rolls around Enid gets a little randy, so I throw a twenty to Churro, our neighbor's Guatemalan houseboy to get in our basement and let Enid chase him around in her wheelchair until Enid's juice runs out. Churro hates America.
Well I just noticed that you've put Ronnie Epolito on the list. See, I just like being the only girl on the list with a boy's name. And I find it odd that a month after I start working here she changes her name from Veronica to Ronnie. Sure Ronnie claims it's because she doesn't want the same name as her mom, seeing as her mom snapped and set fire to that preschool. But I still think it's a teensy bit coinky-dinky!
No problem, Ronnie's out.
Wait, I'm not sure yet! I mean, Ronnie's also got the best crazy mom stories. We are talking multiple felonies including the attempted assassination of a federal judge.
Fun.
I just hope he doesn't get my dad's dainty hands, or my mom's patchy facial hair and no I didn't flip those.
I just want what every father wants for his son: health, happiness, and a lifelong
obsession with American musical theatre.
I know. You don't trust me, and I don't even know if you like me, and I really don't like myself right now. But do you think there's a one in a million chance that one year from now or five years from now you could get to a place where you forgive me, and then maybe, you know, we could give it another shot?
(No is a powerful word. It can surprise a colleague. No can piss off a friend. Luckily
with Kim, it was easiest just to say yes and make her feel better.) No Kim, I'm sorry,
there's not any chance. (Unfortunately, I couldn't do it.)
(I felt bad about hurting Kim, so out of compassion I pawned her off on my friends.)
I'm sorry about your picture.
Gym teacher bunny conscience?
Yeah.
Kim, would you mind trying on this dress for my cousin Layla?
Is she pregnant too?
No, she's just a fatty fatty fatty.
She's pregnant, man!
That's uncool.
How could you do such a thing? … What did he do?
Hey Turk! You might want to buckle up, because the Coxian Express – Coxian is not the adjective version of your name, it's a clever combination of Cox and Dorian.
Oh.
Anyway, the aforementioned express is about to drop some knowledge on your brown ass. You can't change who you are as a doctor just because you're a dad. Tell him, Per!
Of course being a father changes who you are as a doctor, for god's sake it changes everything about you.
Why did you come if you're just gonna contradict me?
I don't know, intentionally annoying you seems pretty Coxian – that is the adjective version. Now, if you'll excuse me I'm going to step over there so we can present a united front against you.
Listen newbie. Having a kid changes the way you think about everything.
Hell yeah it does. Before Izzie was born if I saw a half eaten meatball sub in the trash
you'd better believe I would dust that bad boy off and go to town on it. But now, I'm
not risking my health eating trash food. I mean, unless it's a corn dog.
Thank god you procreated. Newbie, the point is, when that kid comes, you…you'll start seeing the world a whole lot differently.
You'll develop patience.
You're going to forgive easier.
If you got baby poop on your thumb, it's no big deal you can just wipe it off on your
jeans like that.
I've seen the Wiggles live in concert. Twice.
Did they perform Big Red Car?
They opened and closed the show with it. It was…awesome.
(It wasn't just about me anymore. I had to give us a shot. Even if it was only one in a million.)
(It felt good to be holding the mother of my child.)
This is nice.
(But given recent events, cuddling was as far as I was gonna go. Kim and I had to get to know each other again, build trust, and oh my god is that side boob?)
Careful of the side boob big guy, my hormones are going so crazy I might just pounce your skinny ass.
Kim I really don't think we should.
I won't. I got a giant boogie in my nose.
(Look at her, saying 'I wont' with a giant boogie in her nose. I must have her!)
(Still, I wonder what it will be like having sex with a pregnant woman?)
That was so cool! And…weird.
Yeah, somebody else liked it too. He's going crazy in there.
And now it's disgusting.
Plus when our families met last month my mom ended up doinking your Uncle Ronald in the basement.
Uncle Ronald and Aunt Alicia have been together for thirty years!
Yeah, welcome to my family Keith!
Look, I know that I'm being a bridezilla, so to make it up to you here's a kiss with extra tongue.
Hey, you're the only one who hasn't RSVP'd to my wedding, what the hell?
I didn't know I was invited.
But I sent your invitation to…one north cemetery drive.
That's the address of the Addams Family. I changed my records to mess with Kelso.
He's always calling me Lurch. It was either that or 1313 Mockingbird Lane. The
Munsters? TV Show? I'm old.
Jordan, here's some things I'd rather see happen than Dinkus over there becoming the godfather: a nuclear war. A sequel to Hope Floats. Hugh Jackman winning an Oscar…
Yeah, Yeah. Funny long list. We get it. You need a new thing, big guy.
My lease is up in my apartment in Washington, and my OB says that my mucus plug is holding firm. That's all I've got.
Ok, I'll give it up.
Incidentally that's not the first time she's said that.
I hit it and I hit it good. Rowdy style! We have to look out for that belly, it's dangerous.
But it's comfortable!
You think I'm going to be comfortable in my five inch heels and my rib crushing corset and my nipple tape? There will be no poppers in my wedding photos, Keith.
It's about me. Come on, focus! There's no "U" in wedding!
Now, what I need from you is gift ideas. Impress me.
You could check the registry and get her some nice linens.
Or I could check the boring, and get her some boring boring.
What the hell does that mean?
Oh! You know what I got my mom that she really loved? That weird birth control thing that they sew under your arm skin!
Ok, highly disturbing. But you're thinking outside the box!
I love being the new urologist here, but I'm having some trouble with my peers. Get it? Pee-ers?
God I hate you.
Ok Tina, here's what I'm prepared to offer you to relinquish the post of godfather.
Not interested.
Effective immediately I will stop calling you girls names. Interested now?
I'm still here, aren't I?
Be strong, you get can more.
Good thinking. What else you got, Per Per?
I'll give you my real pager number.
I'll be able to page him 24/7!
No deal.
What are you doing?
Put a cherry on top.
One hug.
Per week.
Decade.
Month.
Year.
Done. You're welcome.
(And then, as I was about to close the deal of the century, it hit me.) Wait a minute, if I agree I only get that stuff until you retire. Godfather, I'm in your life forever.
I think this time I'm actually going to kill him. Yup, this is the one.
How did you get him to be like that? Did you do that thing that all guys want us to do but we swore we'd never do?
I didn't have to, he just loves me. Why, did you?
I'm saving that bullet for a diamond tennis bracelet.
Ok, I have something we can't give her permanently, but I guarantee she'll enjoy it while she has her hands on it.
No! Pre-emptive strike on the sex joke. Take a time out.
Dorian? Tell your baby mama she can have her job back. By the way, I think it's hysterical you trust her again.
I know sir, I got your email.
And, I get to go on one movie date with the maitre'd at that new italian restaurant we go to, and no asking what happened after I go.
Done. May I go now?
(Let's see, what rhymes with baptism? Faptism, raptism, naptism. I'm so tired I could use a naptism! And there's my opening joke, I should write down 'pause for laughs' so I don't forget.)
Rabbi?
Father.
Don't care. Hit it.
I'm a story topper Elliott, you know that about me.
When I was a kid I had a friend like that, drove me crazy.
When I was a kid I also had a friend like that, except he snapped and started playing hide the peanut butter with my dog Whiskers. You, my friend, have just been story topped.
Would you know what to do if she woke up and suddenly couldn't use vowels?
That's ridiculous!
That what you're gonna say when she looks at you with those big blue eyes and cries out, "Lmrtklblklgss?"
Look if I learned one thing from my parents it's this. The key to a good marriage is keeping your emotions bottled up until they finally explode and you have to lash out physically.
You mean beat each other up?
I mean beat yourself up. My mother once snapped her own index finger because my father was late for church. She dented the car, he threw himself down the stairs.
Let's face it, Keith would walk through fire for me.
Yeah, I'm not walking through fire to prove my love to Elliott.
Here's the scenario, you have just come home from work late. Blonde doctor made your dinner and she is angry because you didn't call ahead. Plus you have brought along with you Lance, your gay ultimate frisbee buddy, played by Todd.
I should probably take my pants off.
Wait for your cue! And Ted, you'll be playing blonde doctor. Get into character.
Ok…falling in love with you, long blonde hair….talkingveryfasttalkingveryfast, frick
frick! Ok I'm ready.
You ever think maybe we're perfect for each other, and we just both have the same fatal flaw?
I've reached the point of no return.
You and me both.
I mean, to get out of this, I'd have to do something huge.
I'd have to go nuclear.
(So there we were. Together, but not together. And as always, not knowing what the hell we were doing.)
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