That doesn't look right.
What? What is it?
You have a penis. Or, that's what I think it is.
It's a penis.
Fair enough.
Would you like to take break? I finish taking frightened bunnies on rounds.
What, you don't think you can learn from seeing an actual arm reattachment, Milos?
I reattach child's arm once, in rusty shell of car. I can still see dead bodies that littered streets as my country burn to ground.
Milos is so lucky.
Buzz feels inadequate because he lost his job at FootLocker. Now his dingle won't work.
Man is the only animal that wears pants during twosies.
So unnatural.
Carla, he'll pass out when he poops!
You hear that, everybody? I do have it rough. And that's coming from a man who knows a teensy bit about adversity. And why is that, Turk?
Because I'm black.
No, because you have diabetes. What's hard about being black?
Hiya. My name is Bob Kelso and I like whores. Now, why don't I introduce myself like that? Because there is a time and a place for the truth.
And what did the patient do, doctor?
Uh, well, she started to hyperventilate. Uh, uh, and then she reached for a hit of what she thought was an oxygen tank. It turned out to be a helium container from pediatrics. Then she screamed, "I'll kill you bitches!" which frankly we all thought was hilarious.
Now she's suing the hospital. And since Ted is our lawyer, what's going to happen?
Girlfriend's gonna get paid!
Sorry Bobbo, I'm gonna go ahead and tell the truth whenever I damn well please. For instance, your tie. It's hideous. In fact its only redeeming quality is to divert attention from the very visible outline of your man girdle.
Too mean.
Sorry.
Anyway, Todd and Ted are gonna get twenty bucks from me to tape you to the ceiling of the cafeteria tomorrow, and I'm telling you this because I figure you've already zoned out and have stopped listening to me, am I right?
(I don't know what the janitor had said, but I feel like things are looking up.)
Well I say y'all step outside and handle this like we used to back in my day.
Muskets?
Totally psyched to be here, buddy! Let's start talkin about your life.
In Iraq we prefer to think of shrapnel as "internal body bling."
You shouldn't have told him the truth…uth….uth….uth….
Dr. Kelso?
…uth.
And then one day I found out he was sleeping with his students and I was crushed. I mean, why not me?
He's upset with me, but he won't talk about it, because his peep won't perform!
He pooped in our house!
I don't know why he can't get past that.
Todd, anything to add?
Your nipples are stunning.
Hey, thanks brother.
It make Milos sad that he have to answer to you.
Ah Billy, after the Arctic and the Pacific, you're my favorite Ocean.
As some of you know I'm not a huge fan of fire.
Uncool, Carl! Not down with the fire!
And over here we have Dr. Turtlehead who is suffering from a severe case of the sulkies. Symptoms include bad posture, mopey face and a sudden uncontrollable flailing of the upper extremities.
This is half an ibuprofen. It is the perfect dose for your pea-sized brain. Take it after I leave, you'll save yourself the embarrassment.
Any other day I'd say no, but today, I'm gonna go ahead and just say no.
He took care of you when you were wallowing away on your couch drinking scotch like it was vodka.
I accidentally killed three people, he got arrested for pushing a scooter and he passes out when he poos.
After six long years, aren't you tired of taking care of him?
Of course we are. But we're his friends.
(I heard every word. See, unfortunately I had forgotten that Ted and Todd were under janitorial orders to tape me to the ceiling.)
Duct tape five!
I wash it every day, I condition, but I just can't get it where I want it.
For the love of God! Mousse and twist!
I would really like it if you'd…want to go and grab a beer with me? What do you say?
(And even though I'd gotten a totally sincere, spontaneous invite from Dr. Cox, I knew my answer.) No thanks, I have plans.
Thank you God. Yes, that still counts.
(I didn't have plans, but I did have a whole new perspective. You can stick to your convictions and hopefully get rewarded, even if other people end up a little peeved. And yeah, my life was still in the crapper. But if felt good to finally be dealing with it on my own.)