Miscellaneous rambling, and bragging about my kids.

(Not only were the new suites super expensive, they were absolutely ruining my figure.)

Now I know future me is probably very strict, so no dating, no makeup, and no spending spring break with your friends on Mars.  Last thing I need to worry about is my daughter getting eaten by a giant space slug, yaknomsayin'?

Anyway, for your 16th birthday my gift to you is to show you how happy your mom was the day we brought you home.
  I can't do this, we have to take her back.
Happy birthday, sweet heart.  Talk later.

Keith, why do you keep letting people take pictures of your body?  Come on, this is exactly like that night I caught you in the bathroom at the bus station.

Hey Dr. Kelso.  Oh, if you're a dootyface, don't say anything.  Get used to that joke people, because I'm going to be doing it all the time.

OMG Barboo, you make me wanna LOL.  I just discovered text messaging.  I know I'm a little late to the game but that doesn't mean that you're any less of a GABPITAWMMW – number 2 – D.  Giant annoying bangsy pain in the ass who makes me want to die.

Enjoy doing my bidding while a team of burly old Russian women make me beautiful.

Fine, I don't want to go home anyway!
  He said in the sarcastic tone we've all come to known as "Coxian."

Ever since Jordan entered her third trimester she has become a needy, bloated behemoth with a temper as big as her treetrunk sized cankles.

Honey, post partum depression is really serious.
  True, but there are different levels.  Some women leave their babies in the woods, but some women just get the weepies.

Hi.  Since you're African American, I was wondering I could borrow several Marvin Gaye CDs?
  Sure, come on in kid.  Here ya go.
Thanks.  Mazeltov on the baby.

Now give me a hug…you know, what, can you change first?  Cuz I don't wanna get any booby juice on my new t-shirt.

(To me, the best thing about Elliot is all her extra cash.)

This couch reminds me of my grandpa.  He used to drive around in a car just like it.  You know, until he was killed in that seven car pileup.
  7 Car Pile-Up would be a good name for a rockband.
Yeah, you actually told me that on the day that he died.

Laverne, if I accidentally backed my car over Barbie for sticking me with the world's most annoying patient, what do you think your boy Jesus would do?
  Your wife is on the phone.
He is not a merciful god, is he?

This gourmet trailmix is fantastic, I'm tasting vanilla, cranberry…a hint of pine…
  That's potpourri, genius.
Is that hickory?

 You should see all the sweet new toys Elliot bought, it's awesome.  It's like that time in college when we got to split all of Chugski's stuff when he drank himself to death.
  I miss you, you crazy Polish bastard!
Pour some out for one's homeys.

Say hello to your lactation specialists.
  Try tickling her lip with the nipple to let her know it's time to eat.
    Then just use your breast to lower her bottom lip.
      I can't see the nipple.
Todd, get the hell out of here.

Look, Barbie, what you're missing here is that you're private practice now, and that means you're the enemy.  I know, as a doctor, disease is supposed to be the enemy but I'm giving hepatitis and his band of infectious buddies a pass and I'm coming after you today.  Because the bottom line is you'd rather clock out of here early than run the extra mile for your patients, and Barbie, that makes you a sellout.

Now if you ask me, Isabella is placing calls but no one is responding in the areola code.
  What?
Those two little turkey timers you got there are telling me that birdie's not done.  And this place is too public for me to arouse them freaky deaky style, so I'm gonna have to go an alternate route.  Your dead mama had one of the fattest asses I ever seen!
  WHAT?
Ding ding!  Turkey's done.

Why are you watching my baby, and where's my wife?

Hey Chuckles?  If you're a dootyface, just keep walking.  That's funnier every time!

Baby, let's go see the doctor.
  No.  I'm not gonna have people laugh at me because I can't care for my own child.  No doctors, not now, not ever.

Nice singlet.  Does it come in hetero?

See Keith found his old high school uniform so we've incorporated it into our loveplay.  I'm the lesbian coach and he's the captain of the wrestling team and he turns me.

Don't you just love the way his thighs rub against your ears?
  No, not particularly.

 More Scrubs Quotes…

"Daddy, you'll never guess what Juliana's gonna be for Shay's dressup party? Ariel Wedding. That's what I'm gonna be!"

"How'd you know that? Do you guys get together and talk about that?"

"Yes."

The question, of course, is, "At what age to little girls start gathering together to discuss what they're going to wear to the party?" The answer is, 4 and a half.

However, there is still a glimmer of hope:

"But it's ok Daddy, more than one person can be Ariel Wedding if they want. Two people are going as Snow White, too."
Yeah, sure. Tell me that at your high school prom when somebody's wearing your dress, sweetie.

Ohhhh, that's why I'm not going to the gym. Now I remember.

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When Katherine was just learning how to speak, she used to say that the Indian sitting on the Land-o-Lakes margarine was Jesus.

Well she's 4 1/2 now and quite articulate. Last night over dinner she showed me the margarine and said, "Daddy, that's an Indian on there."

"That's right," I told her, "And you know what? When you were little, you used to say that was Jesus."

Pause. "Yes Daddy, I know," she told me. "I said that because she wears her hair long like that, and that's how Jesus wears it."

So, there you go. If your child says something that you don't understand while they're still learning to talk, make a note of it and ask her a few years later when she can explain it better. "Remember when you said innoo da tikkamix? What did you mean by that?"

Actually "innoo da tikkamix" is an Elizabeth quote. This appears to be the battle cry of something called a Wonderpet, from what Katherine tells me. My best guess is they're saying "into the thick of it" or something like that, but I can't seem to google anything to confirm that. On the contrary, the catchphrases of the characters are clearly listed on wikipedia and they're not even close.

Either way, Elizabeth thinks that "innoo da tikkamix" is hysterical and will run around the house saying it. Anybody know what it really means?

I'm reminded of the old Steven Wright bit: "I kept a diary when I was a baby. Day one, still tired from the trip. Day two, everyone talks to me like I'm an idiot." and, more relevant, "Whenever I'm the room with a baby I like to write down every noise they make, so when they grow up I can say, What did you mean by that?"

>You can probably put "you're one want" in the title to save space. Make sure to mention "your one want" as well to get the 30% of people that can't spell.

…and totally screw up the humans that are trying to read it. Oh how far we've come, eh Steveo?

D

The name of the show is pretty long. As to what to put in the title of your blog posts about this show:
"the" "that" "I" are all likely to be stop words that are pretty much ignored by the search engines. You can probably put "you're one want" in the title to save space. Make sure to mention "your one want" as well to get the 30% of people that can't spell.

I'm with you on this one. It's so ridiculous! Everyone is after money these days. You can see that the dumb kid does something to the back of Tigger. He's not going to hit him for nothing. The boy is a little punk and on television looks like a big crybaby. I hate that this stupid incident has gotten international attention. Come on!!

Ok, can we all just agree to blog this show as YTOTIW so I have some room left over in my titles?

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Oh god, I already hate it. Did Trump really use the sound effects of a baby on the telephone, just so he could sneak in his new son's name (Baron)? That's just sad.

Watching the whole show on Tivo now. Maybe I'll review it, if it's not as painful as that intro was.

File under "wow, that actually worked."

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