Entries Tagged 'Television' ↓

Wow.  Wow wow wow.  Never before have I been downright infuriated by Scrubs before.  Somehow they managed to turn Kim into the most hated character in the history of the show.  I don't know why.  But I don't like it one bit.  Not gonna spoil it in case people read the quotes before seeing the show, but man, I don't think you're gonna like it either.

Oh really, Donna, I'm ruining the neighborhood?  At least I'm quiet.  Were you guys having sex last night or raping a baboon?
  I wasn't home last night.
My bad.

It's for my retirement, so Enid and I can see the country in luxury.
  So it's wheelchair accessible for her, sir?
Ted, I'm not retiring for at least three years.  If she's still alive, I'll deal with it then.

You smell like my mom.

Dorian!  You have been wrong about so many things that I'm not even gonna say something's "wrong" anymore, I'm going to say it's "Dorian."  And the fact that you'd be willing to skip seeing that child's heart beat for the first time is just plain Dorian.  I mean hell, Jordan's having her second ultrasound and I couldn't be more giddy.  I can't wait to find out the sex of that unborn tax break.
  Jordan doesn't let you know the sex until the baby's born.
Dorian again.    I don't know if it's the hormones or the baby's actually eating the bitch cells, but Jordan has softened.  In fact, last night she asked me to cuddle.

I think not giving you permission to do this for your friend would be totally Dorian.
  How is this spreading so quickly?

Man check!

He can't possibly make this my fault, right?
  Dorian.  Damnit, now I'm doing it.

Your sorority sisters probably loved you.
  Keith, they tried to sell me.

Adios, Pickle.

Woohoo!  I got friends!

Hi cutie.
  Hey.
Oh like there's a chance I meant you.

No, mean's good.  I like mean.

You could find out the sex, not tell Perry, hold it over his head and play him like your little bitch boy.

Perry was so wrong about you.  You're not an idiotic, scalpel-toting, basketball dribbling, blood sugar watching, idiotic manboy.

Carla's got some serious moves.  She can even do an inverted split leg pole spin.  You know, if that's what they're called.  It's not like I took a poledancing course or anything.

Jordan, the boy already lipsynchs into your tampons.  Must we put the final nail in his tiny gay coffin?
  Mama wants that trophy.

That was awesome!  But uncool.

Then I realized that my dad had hugged me at graduation.  Not with his arms, but with his brain.

Excuse me, my mom sleeps with men! I've seen it!

I'll tell you what I was not doing here, I was not taking a nap on company time on Doctor Kelso's mobile home.  Not this guy.  Back to work.
  I don't think he knew we were moving.

So can I stop squeezing out brats, or is it another stupid boy?
  Uh oh.  Excuse me for a second.
Uh oh?  Don't say uh-oh.  Follow him!  He said uh-oh!

Hey wait, no, coming back.  Hello.  Who's making pancakes?
  See?  He's great.

Can I say something?  I don't know this young man.  I wish I did.  I admire his spirit.  And if he says we must continue onward, then I say I am in!

First off, I'm not a neo-natal surgeon.  Second, you ruined my roadtrip.  And you just gave my baby to Rochelle, the only nurse to get kicked out of the nursery for using a baby as a ventriloquist dummy.
   I don't like being spanked!
    That's because you haven't found someone who's doing it right!
Give me that.  What's the matter with you?

Go take care of Doctor Cox.  Tell him Gladys is thinking about him.  He'll know it's me.

Farewell, stranger.  I shall toast you with my heartiest wine.
  Maybe you should lie down.

And you know damn well I would never be that inappropriate.  Thanks, Sugarboobs.

Sir, do you think I know Al Green just because I'm black?
  Plan B.

Bummer.  Now why am I back in here again?
  Because I couldn't wait to rub a little jelly on your treasure trail.

And I could never be mad at Kim for giving me a bad surprise.  Because at least she was straight with me.

An episode all about Kelso is cool, but the Iraq stuff was too contrived. They went out of their way to make it appear a 50/50 argument when reality shows it to be far different.

Who the hell came up with Pickle?
  I did.  If you call Carla Pickle, I can call Isabella Little Gherkin.  I need this.
Done.

Stop, if it had taken any effort I wouldn't have done it.  I mean it, I really do.

Listen up faces.  In order to save us all some time I will call all the males Daves and all the females Debbies.
 Debbie's actually my real name!
Then out of fairness to the others you will be Slagathor.

(I actually don't mind that goofy bastard.  If he were gay he'd be perfect for my son.  Harrison's been looking for a new power bottom.)

(All my little worker bees buzzing about, buzz, buzz.  I love making that sound.) 

All of you should hear this. I think it was Robin Zander of Cheap Trick who sang, "I want you to want me."  Well if I sang that song it would go, "I don't want you to want me."  (Skiddladee, skiddladoo…)

I understand that since your head wound you've had some short term memory loss.
  Head wound?  Nah, I'm just kidding, doctor…ah, see, now I'm embarrassed because that one's real.
Doesn't matter, son.  (Bob Kelso, write it down, damnit!)

Private Dancer?  Tough name.  You must have had your share of beatdowns.

Iraq?  (You know how controversial that topic is Bob.  Quick, change the subject.)  So, Pluto's not a planet any more, what's up with that?

Oh, that's why we're over there.  Here I thought it was to root out terrorists, or was it for the oil?  Or Mama Hussein's secret falafel recipe?  It's so goshdarn hard to keep track.

The war in Iraq?  Try the war to *see* rack.

Elliot, the only good that's come from our occupation of Iraq is exposing the neoconservative conspiracy to perpetuate American cultural and economic imperialism.

Did you break our pact and start reading the newspaper?

If you get a chance, read the Boondocks.  Man that little kid hates honkies.

I know all about the war.
  Really?  Point to Iraq.
Why do you keep a globe in your janitor cart?
  In case I get lost.  I'll give you a hint, it's not the country shaped like a boot.
That's Iraq.
  That's China.
You're China.

And Johnny's got a tattoo on the same cheek that says Bobby.
  He probably doesn't regret that at all.

I would have asked to be stationed in southeast Asia.  For the food.

Our boys over there are doing the Lord's work.
  And by Lord you mean Halliburton, right?

I think both sides have valid points.
  Way to take a stand, sweat balls.

President Reagan should be on the one dollar bill.
  Oh my god, that's hot.  What do you think about Hillary?
I hate that bitch.

Slaggie, if you want to get people's attention you've got to get more aggressive, or more attractive.  Pick one.

(Well you got what you asked for, Bob.  They don't need you.)

Hey son, how you doing?
  Well, even though no one ever comes every time I hit this nurse's button, I feel a little better.
That's morphine.
  That explains it.

I felt like an idiot so I've been reading up on this Iraq situation.  You know what's so messed up?  I just got to the part where President Bush gave his mission accomplished speech on a battleship, and I've still got like 400 pages to go.

And I can help out Dr. Cox, even though I'd rather punch him in his piss on the government until Jabar's cropdusting my condo with anthrax, NPR Al Franken listening face.

Clean the toilets.  Just tired of staring at that.  Byebye.  I need to Tivo Crossing Over with John Edwards.  I need to turn a cat into a spice rack, and I need to return this thing to the patient in 307.  All doable, don't need ya.

Oh, Nurse Kelso?  Purple's not your color.  Listen, could you go down to housekeeping and maybe send up some fresh scrubs for me.  And psst, come here, please put on a bra.  You're distracting some of the other doctors.

Private, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.
  That you were never in the war, and Johnny's your husband?
If only.  I love you, Johnny.

My bajingo's on fire.  May 2004.  What's a bajingo?

More Scrubs Quotes

I'd like to blame it on Lukas, but we all knew that it was going to be a spectacular failure, didn't we?

Read more…

As always, the definition of "stars" nose dives each season. I like to look at lists like this and figure out who my wife will recognize. She'll recognize the 90210 guy, and Leeza Gibbons. Maybe Billy Ray Cyrus, if he's who I'm thinking of (Achy Breaky Heart?) and they play that song a lot. That's about it. Three out of ten.

TMZ.com is reporting that they know the cast of Dancing with the Stars Season 4.  It's not official yet, but last time I posted a rumored cast it was pretty much dead on.  What I think is funny is that pattern that the producers continue to work off of.

Country singer?  Sara Evans becomes Billy Ray Cyrus.  Check.

Former teenage television heartthrob?  Mario Lopez becomes 90210's Ian Ziering.  Check.

Athlete?  Emmit Smith is replaced by Laia Ali (Muhammad Ali's daughter).  Check.

Boyband?  Joey McIntyre becomes…Joey Fatone.  (Ok, Joey Lawrence wasn't in a boyband, but Drew Lachey and Joey McIntyre both were).

Now all they need is a comedy act to be thrown out in the first episode, an underdog to cheer (ala Jerry Springer), some sort of pop/rock singer (Master P / Willa Ford) and a couple of random actresses (Vivica Fox, Monique Coleman, Tia Carrere, Tatum O'Neal….)

Update! Apparently Heather Mills will be on the show as well. Heather Mills is the ex-wife of Paul McCartney, who also happens to have one leg.
Should be interesting to see how she comes across, since the divorce has made her look pretty bad.

Man, I just can't do it.  There's no way I can transcribe an entire ensemble musical. 🙁  It'll take me forever, I'll still get parts of it wrong, and it'll still be impossible to read because of all the group numbers. 

How was it?  Honestly, I really liked it. The first big number (and Dr. Kelso's only real contribution) was pretty painful, but it got steadily better. The last numbers in particular were very good indeed. The storyline is even good – woman comes in with a mysterious illness that makes her hear music when people talk to her.  Apparently a true story, as many Scrubs episodes often are. 

Man, the lyrics to some of the songs are really pretty forced.  There's a whole song about poo, for heaven's sake.  Although it does end up sounding very Monty Python.  I'm sure people will love it, of course. Didn't do much for me. The Dr. Cox Rant is probably the best song, in my book. Dr. Cox can't sing worth beans, but he delivered a musical rant very well. The Turk and Carla Tango is very nice as well.  "Guy Love" is disqualified because it's been available on iTunes for a few weeks now as a trailer. The finale ends up being a pretty slow, serious number which is very good, including a solo from the patient with the problem.

(P.S. – I think it's funny that when I pause the show, Tivo shows me what is apparently an ad for Puerto Rico. Given the Turk and Carla number, that is. I wonder if it was context sensitive or just a coincidence?)

Anyway, I'll see if I can transcribe some of the better lines.

Oh, well how about this for an explanation:  she's cuckoo pants.

Hey Ms. Miller, we just need a stool sample.
  Why do you need a stool sample, if you think I'm just a nut?
Cuz the answer's not in your head my dear, it's in your butt.

You see, everything comes down to poo.

All across the nation, we trust in defecation.

Just be a man and eat some bran, and drop the kids off at the pool.

I was shot!

  Check the poo.

Homeless guy threw poo in my eye!

  Check the poo.

Mine or his?

  First him, then you.

Dr. Cox, I'm not crazy.
  Am I still singing?
Singing like a bird.

Still, you're not nearly as bad as her.  Do you know how much you annoy me?  The answer is, alot.  Should I list the reasons why?  Well I don't see why not.  It's your hair your nose your chinless face you always need a hug, not to mention all the manly appletini's that you chug.  That you think I am your mentor just continues to perplex, and oh my god stop telling me when you have nerdy sex!
  By the way last time Kim was in town, we got some appletini's and poured them on her good parts.
See newbie that's the thing you do that drives me up a tree, cuz no matter how I rant at you you never let me be. So I'm stuck with all your daydreaming, your wish to be my son.  It makes me suicidal and I'm not the only one.  No I'm not the only one… 

   It all started with a penny in the door.  There was a hatred I had never felt before.  So now I'll make him pay, each and every day.  Until that moussed hair little nuance is no more.

So now that is why I call you names like Carol Jane and Sue.  Like Moesha Kim and Lilly and Suzanne and Betty Lou.  Regardless of the names I pick my feelings are quite clear, your a pain in every day of every month of every year. 
      Dr. Cox you gotta help me cuz I really am distressed, can't you find another option won't you run another test?
If you want some kind of favor really any kind of favor please just get me peace and quiet from this godforsaken pest.
        I think what my bumper buddy is trying to say…
      Shut your cakehole Marybeth, or I swear to god I'll shut it soon!
Congratulations, we'll schedule your test this afternoon.

 Sometimes you're better off not knowing, but this isn't one of those times.  Your world's become a musical, and your doctors speak in rhymes.

Guy Love, that's all there is.  Guy Love, he's mine I'm his.  There's nothing gay about it in our eyes.

We're closer than the average man and wife.
  That's why our matching bracelets say Turk and J.D.
You know I'll stick by you for the rest of my life.
  You're the only man who's ever been inside of me!
Whoa, whoa, I just took out his appendix.

It's like I married my best friend.
  But in a totally manly way!

JD, I want to live by myself.
  Ok, no problem.  Turk, with you relay this?
    That means you guys are no longer talking.

We're as close as the vena cava and the aorta. We're best friends just like amoxicillin and clavulanic acid. The tibia the fibia the left and right ventricle, a hypodermic needle and a latex tourniquet. Diverticulitis and a barium enema!

Turk, I want to come back to work, it's who I am.
  Oh.  Well I always thought family was the most important thing to Puerto Ricans.

Don't make a big todo, I was simply testing you.
  Then why'd you tell JD our baby's blaxican?
Babe you know I know the truth.
  Well I'll need a little proof, so list all you know about me or no sex again.

Your name is Carla, you are Latina.  You're a nurse, your mother's dead and wait…I got it! Three sisters.
  Turk!
Two sisters?  Well I'm sure you have a brother who's a huge jerkoff.

Tell me what's my middle name?
  Ok I'm tired of this game.

What's going to happen?  What does the future hold?  So many things that I've put off, assuming I had time.

Plan for tomorrow, because we swear to you, you're going to be ok.

You're going to be ok, that's what's going to happen.

By the way, who's the best singer?  You know, in your head.  Don't let the fact that I went to theatre camp affect your decision.

Sometimes when you get what you want, you end up missing what you left behind.  Whether it's your roommate, or time spent with your child.  Or even the music you used to hear in your head.

More Scrubs Quotes… 

Welcome back to American Idol, and hours and hours of the same old stuff. The audition weeks have become caricatures of what they once were. The bad contestants can't just be bad, they have to be bad and come in costume. And you can spot the good contestants before they ever sing, because there's a whole produced segment about them. Oh look, a Navy guy – let's get footage of his aircraft carrier. Naturally we know that they went to the trouble to get that footage after he was selected.

Every judge (including Jewel) is mean this year, but mostly in a sort of "Oh come on, are you kidding me?" way. It's like they're bored with the whole thing.

They also do that thing that everybody hated last year, where they make a montage of all the bad singers all singing the same song. So, in other words, these people were told that they were horrible, and then told "Sing some more." Most of those people walked out of their audition screaming, cursing and crying…so why would they sing more just so they can be mocked again?

The first night reveals very few good singers at all. But perhaps the worst thing is that every bad singer gets a very lengthy segment. Why? From the minute they open their mouths it's obvious that they're not going anywhere. So why let them sing a complete song, and then keep them around chatting? I was fast forwarding quite a bit.

More American Idol stories…

Technorati: American Idol

Ok, ok, I realize that my search function on this blog software is horrendously bad. I apologize to everybody coming here and hitting the search for "Scrubs quotes". Instead I've made an Episode Guide where you can just get quick access to everything I have. I only really started keeping track in season 5, so I don't have any of the older stuff. But in general people come looking for the newest episodes anyway :). Now that Scrubs is in syndication, I hope to get some quotes down from every episode I can get my hands on. Probably not everything from every episode, but at least the highlights. Maybe I can set something up where people start adding their own or something.

Anyway, have fun.

Aha! Found it. Recently I mentioned Elizabeth's new catchphrase, innoo da tikkamix which I thought was from Wonderpets. I'm pretty sure it's supposed to be "into the thick of it."

Turns out, it's Backyardigans. It's actually a song from the episode "Into the Jungle".. Thanks, Wikipedia!

(Not only were the new suites super expensive, they were absolutely ruining my figure.)

Now I know future me is probably very strict, so no dating, no makeup, and no spending spring break with your friends on Mars.  Last thing I need to worry about is my daughter getting eaten by a giant space slug, yaknomsayin'?

Anyway, for your 16th birthday my gift to you is to show you how happy your mom was the day we brought you home.
  I can't do this, we have to take her back.
Happy birthday, sweet heart.  Talk later.

Keith, why do you keep letting people take pictures of your body?  Come on, this is exactly like that night I caught you in the bathroom at the bus station.

Hey Dr. Kelso.  Oh, if you're a dootyface, don't say anything.  Get used to that joke people, because I'm going to be doing it all the time.

OMG Barboo, you make me wanna LOL.  I just discovered text messaging.  I know I'm a little late to the game but that doesn't mean that you're any less of a GABPITAWMMW – number 2 – D.  Giant annoying bangsy pain in the ass who makes me want to die.

Enjoy doing my bidding while a team of burly old Russian women make me beautiful.

Fine, I don't want to go home anyway!
  He said in the sarcastic tone we've all come to known as "Coxian."

Ever since Jordan entered her third trimester she has become a needy, bloated behemoth with a temper as big as her treetrunk sized cankles.

Honey, post partum depression is really serious.
  True, but there are different levels.  Some women leave their babies in the woods, but some women just get the weepies.

Hi.  Since you're African American, I was wondering I could borrow several Marvin Gaye CDs?
  Sure, come on in kid.  Here ya go.
Thanks.  Mazeltov on the baby.

Now give me a hug…you know, what, can you change first?  Cuz I don't wanna get any booby juice on my new t-shirt.

(To me, the best thing about Elliot is all her extra cash.)

This couch reminds me of my grandpa.  He used to drive around in a car just like it.  You know, until he was killed in that seven car pileup.
  7 Car Pile-Up would be a good name for a rockband.
Yeah, you actually told me that on the day that he died.

Laverne, if I accidentally backed my car over Barbie for sticking me with the world's most annoying patient, what do you think your boy Jesus would do?
  Your wife is on the phone.
He is not a merciful god, is he?

This gourmet trailmix is fantastic, I'm tasting vanilla, cranberry…a hint of pine…
  That's potpourri, genius.
Is that hickory?

 You should see all the sweet new toys Elliot bought, it's awesome.  It's like that time in college when we got to split all of Chugski's stuff when he drank himself to death.
  I miss you, you crazy Polish bastard!
Pour some out for one's homeys.

Say hello to your lactation specialists.
  Try tickling her lip with the nipple to let her know it's time to eat.
    Then just use your breast to lower her bottom lip.
      I can't see the nipple.
Todd, get the hell out of here.

Look, Barbie, what you're missing here is that you're private practice now, and that means you're the enemy.  I know, as a doctor, disease is supposed to be the enemy but I'm giving hepatitis and his band of infectious buddies a pass and I'm coming after you today.  Because the bottom line is you'd rather clock out of here early than run the extra mile for your patients, and Barbie, that makes you a sellout.

Now if you ask me, Isabella is placing calls but no one is responding in the areola code.
  What?
Those two little turkey timers you got there are telling me that birdie's not done.  And this place is too public for me to arouse them freaky deaky style, so I'm gonna have to go an alternate route.  Your dead mama had one of the fattest asses I ever seen!
  WHAT?
Ding ding!  Turkey's done.

Why are you watching my baby, and where's my wife?

Hey Chuckles?  If you're a dootyface, just keep walking.  That's funnier every time!

Baby, let's go see the doctor.
  No.  I'm not gonna have people laugh at me because I can't care for my own child.  No doctors, not now, not ever.

Nice singlet.  Does it come in hetero?

See Keith found his old high school uniform so we've incorporated it into our loveplay.  I'm the lesbian coach and he's the captain of the wrestling team and he turns me.

Don't you just love the way his thighs rub against your ears?
  No, not particularly.

 More Scrubs Quotes…

When Katherine was just learning how to speak, she used to say that the Indian sitting on the Land-o-Lakes margarine was Jesus.

Well she's 4 1/2 now and quite articulate. Last night over dinner she showed me the margarine and said, "Daddy, that's an Indian on there."

"That's right," I told her, "And you know what? When you were little, you used to say that was Jesus."

Pause. "Yes Daddy, I know," she told me. "I said that because she wears her hair long like that, and that's how Jesus wears it."

So, there you go. If your child says something that you don't understand while they're still learning to talk, make a note of it and ask her a few years later when she can explain it better. "Remember when you said innoo da tikkamix? What did you mean by that?"

Actually "innoo da tikkamix" is an Elizabeth quote. This appears to be the battle cry of something called a Wonderpet, from what Katherine tells me. My best guess is they're saying "into the thick of it" or something like that, but I can't seem to google anything to confirm that. On the contrary, the catchphrases of the characters are clearly listed on wikipedia and they're not even close.

Either way, Elizabeth thinks that "innoo da tikkamix" is hysterical and will run around the house saying it. Anybody know what it really means?

I'm reminded of the old Steven Wright bit: "I kept a diary when I was a baby. Day one, still tired from the trip. Day two, everyone talks to me like I'm an idiot." and, more relevant, "Whenever I'm the room with a baby I like to write down every noise they make, so when they grow up I can say, What did you mean by that?"