Entries Tagged 'Scrubs' ↓

[BlogEntry] Scrubs Quotes : My Fishbowl

Pretty awesome episode, even though it did have that sort of Friends "all of them in a room" vibe.  I liked the twist of the janitor kind of being part of it, but not really, by being stuck outside the door.  Some of it was stupid, of course – suddenly Carla is a stand up comedian?  Just like friends, when all of a sudden Rachel is a gossip or Monica is a photographer.  Stuff they just throw into a single episode without bothering with years of continuity.

Anyway.  Can I just say goddamn how awesome is REM's Out of Time?  I had truly forgotten just how fall down on the floor stare at the television with your jaw hanging open awesome a song like "Half A World Away" is.  I have to go dig that CD up out of my collection right now and get it onto the iPod.  There are some forgotten gems on there.


That picture's so old, the beaches are still segregated.  Look, there's us way in the back.  Doesn't that bother you?
  God, I'm stunning.

That is both very sad and not the least bit shocking.

So you want me to start with how I still can't walk normally and then segway into an anecdote about how you played my tush like a bongo until I cried out in pleasurepain?
Your army buddies are gonna see it, I assume you want it filthy.
  No, filthy's cool.

You would hear crickets chirping but they were all too uncomfortable about just how unfunny that actually was.

Barbie is funniest when she's an anal retentive train wreck.  Your husband sells it with a cocky attitude.
  Well ya know, I do what I do and I do what I do.
The janitor is amusing because quite frankly, he's insane.
    I made shoes for my rabbit.
And Alice here, well, she can turn a phrase.  I assume that because I just called you Alice, you are now fantasizing about me being the maid in the Brady Bunch.  Am I right?
      He was.
Now sadly, some people just aren't funny.  But!  They've got funny names.  For example:  Dr. Beardface, Dr. Mickhead, Colonel Doctor, and Snoop Dogg Intern.
My bad, Snoop Dogg Resident.  The Todd is a sexual deviant, Laverne believes in God which is hilarious to me, and Ted is the hospital sad sack.
          I am?
And me?  I'm funny because I commit. C-O-MM-I-TTTTT…T.T…TTTT.TTTT……T.  I also do funny rants.  To tell you the truth there's only one guy in this entire dump who's funny no matter what he says.
            Holy Hell are my new boxers made out of wool?  Cuz my weasel's getting heatstroke.

Bitches leave!
  It's go time.
    Nononono, we're playing guess the movie quote.  That was from Robocop.

Hi Mrs. Blue, hi it's John Dorian, I dated your beautiful daughter Stacy when we were in college.  She's dead?  She fell asleep in the pool?
  Oh my god.
Incidentally did she ever mention banging a black guy when she was in college?  Had a high top fade like Kid N Play.  Kid, Kid, Kid N Play, you know, they were a rap group.  Your dead daughter loved them.

I don't know if it's old age that's slowing me down or all that blood I lost last night fighting that hobo, but I just blew that.  I should have said, You think my job is so unimportant that I can stand around all day holding a fish?

Baby, remember?  We're supposed to renew our relations tonight for the first time since Izzie was born.

I was coming back from class and outside our room I heard, "Oh my god, it's true what they say about black guys!" So I opened the door.  And I saw you and Stacy.  So I said, "Get off my girl before I kick your ass so deep, you gonna be crappin my Keds for a week!" Then you said, "Chill out, dawg, you know you my boyyy!  This ain't be what it looks like, aight?"  But it wasn't aight, was it Turk?

I'm gonna smash it!  He knows I'm gonna smash it.  He wants me to smash it.  He wants to prove that I can't not smash it.  It's a head game.  You're not gonna win a head game with me, Dorian.  Never.  Never!

Baby I had a big old lunch, now I got the downtown pushdown!

If I wanted my patients to be more depressed I'd just have them read newbie's latest blog entry.
  "Why Being Really Lonely Is Sometimes Super Awesome."

I'm never surprised by what people will do.  Or for that matter, who they will do.

A small child vomited downstairs, it smells like pickles and milk.  Kind of like one of Enid's burps.  Consider it a chance to prove yourself.

How long have you been awake?
  Long enough to know you need to fart, and Carla's not funny, and JD's imitation of a black guy is really racist.
    He be trippin!

Not to worry, I'm sure there's a huge demand out there for a high school grad who can't sign his name and gets confused by stuff that wouldn't phase a five year old.

Of course, some admissions you don't see coming.
  I once tried to kill myself.

(After Elliot told us she'd tried to commit suicide, I had to ask the question that was on everybody's mind.)  "Was it because I broke up with you?"

Well they both killed themselves.  Plath stuck her head in the oven,  but that was not an option for me because every time my head gets hot I need to pee and I was not about to be found lying in a puddle of my own urine.  Not again, not after the prom fiasco.

None of you guys have any idea what it feels like to feel this hopeless in your life.  You know, other than JD.

That's right.  And my baby being happy is worth all the vaginal dryness in the world.
  (And none of us would ever look at Carla the same way again.)

If I'd known back then you were just gonna go ahead and give up I would have saved myself a huge hassle, smothered you with a pillow and spent all my extra time catching up on newbie's pathetic blog.
  (Oh my god he referenced me in a tough love speech.  Stop smiling!)


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[BlogEntry] Scrubs Quotes : My Therapeutic Month

Thanks for the ride Lloyd, this DUI is such a hassle.
  Been there bro.  Been there.

Oh babe, I didn't want whipped cream.
  Oh well let me fix it for you, babe.
    And this isn't soy.
      Sucks to be you.I'll go get your coffee.
Do you know how lucky you are to have a husband?

My mom thinks I should test his love by saying I'm knocked up.  If he doesn't propose on the spot, I just demand that he gives me six hundred dollars for the abortion, dump him, and ease my sadness with a brand new pair of Jimmy Chus.  That's how she got her rad shoe collection in college.

Thanks for the biscotti, Obi Brown.
  No problem, Luke.

I really want to rent this place but once I told the landlord about my DUI and how I sometimes pass out when I poo he said I need someone to co-sign the lease, what's with that?

He was a beautiful black blur.

I'd love to put my ear on her butt and see if I could hear the ocean.
  Brian, you're doing that thing where you say your thoughts out loud.  It's a side effect of his injury.  (It wasn't, but we've been having some fun since we came up with that.)

I'm gonna have your baby so hard, baby!

Good morning, reasons why I drink.

Oh these glasses, they're not prescription but I figured I'd wear 'em so I can fit in with you medical geeks.

(Cool, a new black resident!  Oh, it's just Turk.)  Hi Turk!

Brian can't hold small objects.
  I had an ex-girlfriend that had the same problem.  No she didn't.  That's awkward.

Plus I'm a tent-dwelling poop-fainter who can't drive.
  I have a fiberglass skull.
It's always a competition with you.

Were you thinking about me?
  I always think about you when I'm in the box, you know that.

Living with a guy before marriage makes me feel too whorey.
  You can live in separate states, but if you're doing the nasty before you get married, your ass is gonna burn.

Lupus…does she live on the second floor?  Does she live upstairs from you?  I think you have seen her before.

You "cut and run", if you will.  That's right, it's not just a phrase used by political pundits who wear bowties.  It is also the number one reason why all of you should pray to god, or in your case Rex, Moko the Samoan Bird King, that you never have to be treated by these flesh hungry butchers.  Jenny, take his glasses as a trophy.

You wait, eventually you'll crave his approval and be just like me.
  (And still, as I thought about Dr. Cox I knew JD was right.)

Everything's awesome we're great everything's great.
  What do you mean we're great?  We haven't had box sex in days.

I don't see what's insane about not wanting spiders to lay eggs in my cornflakes, that's how Carla's mom died.
  No it wasn't.
You're supposed to be my best friend!

Oh my God, how hard is it for you to use a frickin coaster you frickin fricky frick?!

Here's the deal Keith, my house my rules.
  I thought this was our place.
No Keith, this is my place.  You just rent a room.

Presenting the world's longest shush…. ShhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhI'm gonna go ahead and stop, I'm not committing the way I normally do.  I'm gonna go away, regroup, maybe seeya later.

(I knew right then that somehow I'd make Dr. Cox…)
  Seriously dude stop doing that.  That's my thing.

Every godawful year Enid's wheelchair rusts in the salt water, Harrison spends my money getting his hair braided by trannies, and I fall asleep in the sun.  Don't page me.

Damned trannies got me in my sleep.

To mutton chops!  Actually, these are fake.  I did this to make a point.  You have to think for yourself.  Don't be a sheep, follow the fold.  I want you to repeat after me:  I think for myself.
  I think for myself!
You can't tell me what to say.
  You can't tell me what to say!
I won't say this.
  I won't say this!

So this patient has fever of 103, renal failure and platelets of 25,000.  What is the diagnosis and management?
  *Bam*, put em down!  It's obvious the patient is septic.  I'd treat him with an activated protein C.  Boyakasha!
Dr. Turk that's just an excellent diagnosis.  However, with his low platelet count treatment with activated protein C would cause what, class?
    Brain hemorrhage.
And what would that cause?
      His death!  Sorry, I got so excited. People were yelling things out.

I recently broke up with my girlfriend who I impregnated on the first date.  Don't worry, she miscarried.  Ok.  And I haven't even begun to think about asking anyone else out mostly because I'm concerned the stress lovemaking would put on my body would cause me to pass out, much like I do when I defecate.

Any last shots you want to take at me?
  You have diabetes and you can't eat cupcakes.


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[BlogEntry] Scrubs : My Night to Remember

A clip show? A CLIP SHOW? Not only that … a BAD clip show! Ok, fine, JD started the whole thing out with a joke about crappy sitcoms resorting to clip shows when they have no new ideas. But still, let's look at just how much effort they put into this one:

  • A fantasize sequence of JD actually drinking milk from Turk who has a cow's udder. Why didn't you just go the whole way and have him suck it from the tap? I bet the writers are just kicking themselves that nobody thought to make a "Have you got any sausage for me" joke.
  • Dr. Cox is frickin *bald*, and no one says anything. Last episode it was Carla with a cane for no reason, and now it's Dr. Cox bald for no reason. They're just not even trying for consistency anymore. Sad.
  • JD is the one fantasizing about all his memorable moments, and yet he's not in a bunch of them. There's a clip about Brendan Fraser's ghost, for god's sake.
  • Update I originally thought that the shower shorts clips were out of order, but I've been told otherwise. Still, horrible show.

At least it gives me a break this week to catch up on other episodes.

[BlogEntry] Scrubs Quotes : My Perspective

That doesn't look right.
  What?  What is it?
You have a penis.  Or, that's what I think it is.
  It's a penis.
Fair enough.

Would you like to take break?  I finish taking frightened bunnies on rounds.

What, you don't think you can learn from seeing an actual arm reattachment, Milos?
  I reattach child's arm once, in rusty shell of car.  I can still see dead bodies that littered streets as my country burn to ground.
Milos is so lucky.

Buzz feels inadequate because he lost his job at FootLocker.  Now his dingle won't work.

Man is the only animal that wears pants during twosies.
  So unnatural.

Carla, he'll pass out when he poops!

You hear that, everybody?  I do have it rough.  And that's coming from a man who knows a teensy bit about adversity.  And why is that, Turk?
  Because I'm black.
No, because you have diabetes.  What's hard about being black?

Hiya.  My name is Bob Kelso and I like whores. Now, why don't I introduce myself like that?  Because there is a time and a place for the truth.

And what did the patient do, doctor?
  Uh, well, she started to hyperventilate.  Uh, uh, and then she reached for a hit of what she thought was an oxygen tank.  It turned out to be a helium container from pediatrics.  Then she screamed, "I'll kill you bitches!" which frankly we all thought was hilarious.

Now she's suing the hospital.  And since Ted is our lawyer, what's going to happen?
  Girlfriend's gonna get paid!

Sorry Bobbo, I'm gonna go ahead and tell the truth whenever I damn well please. For instance, your tie. It's hideous.  In fact its only redeeming quality is to divert attention from the very visible outline of your man girdle.
  Too mean.

Anyway, Todd and Ted are gonna get twenty bucks from me to tape you to the ceiling of the cafeteria tomorrow, and I'm telling you this because I figure you've already zoned out and have stopped listening to me, am I right?
  (I don't know what the janitor had said, but I feel like things are looking up.)

Well I say y'all step outside and handle this like we used to back in my day.

Totally psyched to be here, buddy!  Let's start talkin about your life.

In Iraq we prefer to think of shrapnel as "internal body bling."

You shouldn't have told him the truth…uth….uth….uth….
  Dr. Kelso?

And then one day I found out he was sleeping with his students and I was crushed.  I mean, why not me?

He's upset with me, but he won't talk about it, because his peep won't perform!
  He pooped in our house!
I don't know why he can't get past that.

Todd, anything to add?
  Your nipples are stunning.
    Hey, thanks brother.
      It make Milos sad that he have to answer to you.

Ah Billy, after the Arctic and the Pacific, you're my favorite Ocean.

As some of you know I'm not a huge fan of fire.

Uncool, Carl!  Not down with the fire!

And over here we have Dr. Turtlehead who is suffering from a severe case of the sulkies.  Symptoms include bad posture, mopey face and a sudden uncontrollable flailing of the upper extremities.

This is half an ibuprofen.  It is the perfect dose for your pea-sized brain.  Take it after I leave, you'll save yourself the embarrassment.

Any other day I'd say no, but today, I'm gonna go ahead and just say no.

He took care of you when you were wallowing away on your couch drinking scotch like it was vodka.
  I accidentally killed three people, he got arrested for pushing a scooter and he passes out when he poos.

After six long years, aren't you tired of taking care of him?
  Of course we are.  But we're his friends.

(I heard every word.  See, unfortunately I had forgotten that Ted and Todd were under janitorial orders to tape me to the ceiling.)

Duct tape five!

I wash it every day, I condition, but I just can't get it where I want it.
  For the love of God!  Mousse and twist!

I would really like it if you'd…want to go and grab a beer with me?  What do you say?
  (And even though I'd gotten a totally sincere, spontaneous invite from Dr. Cox, I knew my answer.)  No thanks, I have plans.
Thank you God.  Yes, that still counts.
  (I didn't have plans, but I did have a whole new perspective.  You can stick to your convictions and hopefully get rewarded, even if other people end up a little peeved.  And yeah, my life was still in the crapper.  But if felt good to finally be dealing with it on my own.)


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Technorati tags: television, tv, scrubs, quotes, jd, dr. cox, thetodd



[BlogEntry] Scrubs Quotes : My Road To Nowhere

Wow.  Wow wow wow.  Never before have I been downright infuriated by Scrubs before.  Somehow they managed to turn Kim into the most hated character in the history of the show.  I don't know why.  But I don't like it one bit.  Not gonna spoil it in case people read the quotes before seeing the show, but man, I don't think you're gonna like it either.

Oh really, Donna, I'm ruining the neighborhood?  At least I'm quiet.  Were you guys having sex last night or raping a baboon?
  I wasn't home last night.
My bad.

It's for my retirement, so Enid and I can see the country in luxury.
  So it's wheelchair accessible for her, sir?
Ted, I'm not retiring for at least three years.  If she's still alive, I'll deal with it then.

You smell like my mom.

Dorian!  You have been wrong about so many things that I'm not even gonna say something's "wrong" anymore, I'm going to say it's "Dorian."  And the fact that you'd be willing to skip seeing that child's heart beat for the first time is just plain Dorian.  I mean hell, Jordan's having her second ultrasound and I couldn't be more giddy.  I can't wait to find out the sex of that unborn tax break.
  Jordan doesn't let you know the sex until the baby's born.
Dorian again.    I don't know if it's the hormones or the baby's actually eating the bitch cells, but Jordan has softened.  In fact, last night she asked me to cuddle.

I think not giving you permission to do this for your friend would be totally Dorian.
  How is this spreading so quickly?

Man check!

He can't possibly make this my fault, right?
  Dorian.  Damnit, now I'm doing it.

Your sorority sisters probably loved you.
  Keith, they tried to sell me.

Adios, Pickle.

Woohoo!  I got friends!

Hi cutie.
Oh like there's a chance I meant you.

No, mean's good.  I like mean.

You could find out the sex, not tell Perry, hold it over his head and play him like your little bitch boy.

Perry was so wrong about you.  You're not an idiotic, scalpel-toting, basketball dribbling, blood sugar watching, idiotic manboy.

Carla's got some serious moves.  She can even do an inverted split leg pole spin.  You know, if that's what they're called.  It's not like I took a poledancing course or anything.

Jordan, the boy already lipsynchs into your tampons.  Must we put the final nail in his tiny gay coffin?
  Mama wants that trophy.

That was awesome!  But uncool.

Then I realized that my dad had hugged me at graduation.  Not with his arms, but with his brain.

Excuse me, my mom sleeps with men! I've seen it!

I'll tell you what I was not doing here, I was not taking a nap on company time on Doctor Kelso's mobile home.  Not this guy.  Back to work.
  I don't think he knew we were moving.

So can I stop squeezing out brats, or is it another stupid boy?
  Uh oh.  Excuse me for a second.
Uh oh?  Don't say uh-oh.  Follow him!  He said uh-oh!

Hey wait, no, coming back.  Hello.  Who's making pancakes?
  See?  He's great.

Can I say something?  I don't know this young man.  I wish I did.  I admire his spirit.  And if he says we must continue onward, then I say I am in!

First off, I'm not a neo-natal surgeon.  Second, you ruined my roadtrip.  And you just gave my baby to Rochelle, the only nurse to get kicked out of the nursery for using a baby as a ventriloquist dummy.
   I don't like being spanked!
    That's because you haven't found someone who's doing it right!
Give me that.  What's the matter with you?

Go take care of Doctor Cox.  Tell him Gladys is thinking about him.  He'll know it's me.

Farewell, stranger.  I shall toast you with my heartiest wine.
  Maybe you should lie down.

And you know damn well I would never be that inappropriate.  Thanks, Sugarboobs.

Sir, do you think I know Al Green just because I'm black?
  Plan B.

Bummer.  Now why am I back in here again?
  Because I couldn't wait to rub a little jelly on your treasure trail.

And I could never be mad at Kim for giving me a bad surprise.  Because at least she was straight with me.


Technorati tags: Scrubs, quotes, television, tv

[BlogEntry] Scrubs Quotes : His Story IV

An episode all about Kelso is cool, but the Iraq stuff was too contrived. They went out of their way to make it appear a 50/50 argument when reality shows it to be far different.

Who the hell came up with Pickle?
  I did.  If you call Carla Pickle, I can call Isabella Little Gherkin.  I need this.

Stop, if it had taken any effort I wouldn't have done it.  I mean it, I really do.

Listen up faces.  In order to save us all some time I will call all the males Daves and all the females Debbies.
 Debbie's actually my real name!
Then out of fairness to the others you will be Slagathor.

(I actually don't mind that goofy bastard.  If he were gay he'd be perfect for my son.  Harrison's been looking for a new power bottom.)

(All my little worker bees buzzing about, buzz, buzz.  I love making that sound.) 

All of you should hear this. I think it was Robin Zander of Cheap Trick who sang, "I want you to want me."  Well if I sang that song it would go, "I don't want you to want me."  (Skiddladee, skiddladoo…)

I understand that since your head wound you've had some short term memory loss.
  Head wound?  Nah, I'm just kidding, doctor…ah, see, now I'm embarrassed because that one's real.
Doesn't matter, son.  (Bob Kelso, write it down, damnit!)

Private Dancer?  Tough name.  You must have had your share of beatdowns.

Iraq?  (You know how controversial that topic is Bob.  Quick, change the subject.)  So, Pluto's not a planet any more, what's up with that?

Oh, that's why we're over there.  Here I thought it was to root out terrorists, or was it for the oil?  Or Mama Hussein's secret falafel recipe?  It's so goshdarn hard to keep track.

The war in Iraq?  Try the war to *see* rack.

Elliot, the only good that's come from our occupation of Iraq is exposing the neoconservative conspiracy to perpetuate American cultural and economic imperialism.

Did you break our pact and start reading the newspaper?

If you get a chance, read the Boondocks.  Man that little kid hates honkies.

I know all about the war.
  Really?  Point to Iraq.
Why do you keep a globe in your janitor cart?
  In case I get lost.  I'll give you a hint, it's not the country shaped like a boot.
That's Iraq.
  That's China.
You're China.

And Johnny's got a tattoo on the same cheek that says Bobby.
  He probably doesn't regret that at all.

I would have asked to be stationed in southeast Asia.  For the food.

Our boys over there are doing the Lord's work.
  And by Lord you mean Halliburton, right?

I think both sides have valid points.
  Way to take a stand, sweat balls.

President Reagan should be on the one dollar bill.
  Oh my god, that's hot.  What do you think about Hillary?
I hate that bitch.

Slaggie, if you want to get people's attention you've got to get more aggressive, or more attractive.  Pick one.

(Well you got what you asked for, Bob.  They don't need you.)

Hey son, how you doing?
  Well, even though no one ever comes every time I hit this nurse's button, I feel a little better.
That's morphine.
  That explains it.

I felt like an idiot so I've been reading up on this Iraq situation.  You know what's so messed up?  I just got to the part where President Bush gave his mission accomplished speech on a battleship, and I've still got like 400 pages to go.

And I can help out Dr. Cox, even though I'd rather punch him in his piss on the government until Jabar's cropdusting my condo with anthrax, NPR Al Franken listening face.

Clean the toilets.  Just tired of staring at that.  Byebye.  I need to Tivo Crossing Over with John Edwards.  I need to turn a cat into a spice rack, and I need to return this thing to the patient in 307.  All doable, don't need ya.

Oh, Nurse Kelso?  Purple's not your color.  Listen, could you go down to housekeeping and maybe send up some fresh scrubs for me.  And psst, come here, please put on a bra.  You're distracting some of the other doctors.

Private, I'm gonna let you in on a little secret.
  That you were never in the war, and Johnny's your husband?
If only.  I love you, Johnny.

My bajingo's on fire.  May 2004.  What's a bajingo?

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Technorati tags: Scrubs, quotes, television, tv

[BlogEntry] Scrubs Quotes : My Musical

Man, I just can't do it.  There's no way I can transcribe an entire ensemble musical. 🙁  It'll take me forever, I'll still get parts of it wrong, and it'll still be impossible to read because of all the group numbers. 

How was it?  Honestly, I really liked it. The first big number (and Dr. Kelso's only real contribution) was pretty painful, but it got steadily better. The last numbers in particular were very good indeed. The storyline is even good – woman comes in with a mysterious illness that makes her hear music when people talk to her.  Apparently a true story, as many Scrubs episodes often are. 

Man, the lyrics to some of the songs are really pretty forced.  There's a whole song about poo, for heaven's sake.  Although it does end up sounding very Monty Python.  I'm sure people will love it, of course. Didn't do much for me. The Dr. Cox Rant is probably the best song, in my book. Dr. Cox can't sing worth beans, but he delivered a musical rant very well. The Turk and Carla Tango is very nice as well.  "Guy Love" is disqualified because it's been available on iTunes for a few weeks now as a trailer. The finale ends up being a pretty slow, serious number which is very good, including a solo from the patient with the problem.

(P.S. – I think it's funny that when I pause the show, Tivo shows me what is apparently an ad for Puerto Rico. Given the Turk and Carla number, that is. I wonder if it was context sensitive or just a coincidence?)

Anyway, I'll see if I can transcribe some of the better lines.


Oh, well how about this for an explanation:  she's cuckoo pants.

Hey Ms. Miller, we just need a stool sample.
  Why do you need a stool sample, if you think I'm just a nut?
Cuz the answer's not in your head my dear, it's in your butt.

You see, everything comes down to poo.

All across the nation, we trust in defecation.

Just be a man and eat some bran, and drop the kids off at the pool.

I was shot!

  Check the poo.

Homeless guy threw poo in my eye!

  Check the poo.

Mine or his?

  First him, then you.

Dr. Cox, I'm not crazy.
  Am I still singing?
Singing like a bird.

Still, you're not nearly as bad as her.  Do you know how much you annoy me?  The answer is, alot.  Should I list the reasons why?  Well I don't see why not.  It's your hair your nose your chinless face you always need a hug, not to mention all the manly appletini's that you chug.  That you think I am your mentor just continues to perplex, and oh my god stop telling me when you have nerdy sex!
  By the way last time Kim was in town, we got some appletini's and poured them on her good parts.
See newbie that's the thing you do that drives me up a tree, cuz no matter how I rant at you you never let me be. So I'm stuck with all your daydreaming, your wish to be my son.  It makes me suicidal and I'm not the only one.  No I'm not the only one… 

   It all started with a penny in the door.  There was a hatred I had never felt before.  So now I'll make him pay, each and every day.  Until that moussed hair little nuance is no more.

So now that is why I call you names like Carol Jane and Sue.  Like Moesha Kim and Lilly and Suzanne and Betty Lou.  Regardless of the names I pick my feelings are quite clear, your a pain in every day of every month of every year. 
      Dr. Cox you gotta help me cuz I really am distressed, can't you find another option won't you run another test?
If you want some kind of favor really any kind of favor please just get me peace and quiet from this godforsaken pest.
        I think what my bumper buddy is trying to say…
      Shut your cakehole Marybeth, or I swear to god I'll shut it soon!
Congratulations, we'll schedule your test this afternoon.

 Sometimes you're better off not knowing, but this isn't one of those times.  Your world's become a musical, and your doctors speak in rhymes.

Guy Love, that's all there is.  Guy Love, he's mine I'm his.  There's nothing gay about it in our eyes.

We're closer than the average man and wife.
  That's why our matching bracelets say Turk and J.D.
You know I'll stick by you for the rest of my life.
  You're the only man who's ever been inside of me!
Whoa, whoa, I just took out his appendix.

It's like I married my best friend.
  But in a totally manly way!

JD, I want to live by myself.
  Ok, no problem.  Turk, with you relay this?
    That means you guys are no longer talking.

We're as close as the vena cava and the aorta. We're best friends just like amoxicillin and clavulanic acid. The tibia the fibia the left and right ventricle, a hypodermic needle and a latex tourniquet. Diverticulitis and a barium enema!

Turk, I want to come back to work, it's who I am.
  Oh.  Well I always thought family was the most important thing to Puerto Ricans.

Don't make a big todo, I was simply testing you.
  Then why'd you tell JD our baby's blaxican?
Babe you know I know the truth.
  Well I'll need a little proof, so list all you know about me or no sex again.

Your name is Carla, you are Latina.  You're a nurse, your mother's dead and wait…I got it! Three sisters.
Two sisters?  Well I'm sure you have a brother who's a huge jerkoff.

Tell me what's my middle name?
  Ok I'm tired of this game.

What's going to happen?  What does the future hold?  So many things that I've put off, assuming I had time.

Plan for tomorrow, because we swear to you, you're going to be ok.

You're going to be ok, that's what's going to happen.

By the way, who's the best singer?  You know, in your head.  Don't let the fact that I went to theatre camp affect your decision.

Sometimes when you get what you want, you end up missing what you left behind.  Whether it's your roommate, or time spent with your child.  Or even the music you used to hear in your head.

More Scrubs Quotes… 

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[BlogEntry] Scrubs Quotes : Episode Guide

Ok, ok, I realize that my search function on this blog software is horrendously bad. I apologize to everybody coming here and hitting the search for "Scrubs quotes". Instead I've made an Episode Guide where you can just get quick access to everything I have. I only really started keeping track in season 5, so I don't have any of the older stuff. But in general people come looking for the newest episodes anyway :). Now that Scrubs is in syndication, I hope to get some quotes down from every episode I can get my hands on. Probably not everything from every episode, but at least the highlights. Maybe I can set something up where people start adding their own or something.

Anyway, have fun.

[BlogEntry] Scrubs Quotes : My Friend With Money

(Not only were the new suites super expensive, they were absolutely ruining my figure.)

Now I know future me is probably very strict, so no dating, no makeup, and no spending spring break with your friends on Mars.  Last thing I need to worry about is my daughter getting eaten by a giant space slug, yaknomsayin'?

Anyway, for your 16th birthday my gift to you is to show you how happy your mom was the day we brought you home.
  I can't do this, we have to take her back.
Happy birthday, sweet heart.  Talk later.

Keith, why do you keep letting people take pictures of your body?  Come on, this is exactly like that night I caught you in the bathroom at the bus station.

Hey Dr. Kelso.  Oh, if you're a dootyface, don't say anything.  Get used to that joke people, because I'm going to be doing it all the time.

OMG Barboo, you make me wanna LOL.  I just discovered text messaging.  I know I'm a little late to the game but that doesn't mean that you're any less of a GABPITAWMMW – number 2 – D.  Giant annoying bangsy pain in the ass who makes me want to die.

Enjoy doing my bidding while a team of burly old Russian women make me beautiful.

Fine, I don't want to go home anyway!
  He said in the sarcastic tone we've all come to known as "Coxian."

Ever since Jordan entered her third trimester she has become a needy, bloated behemoth with a temper as big as her treetrunk sized cankles.

Honey, post partum depression is really serious.
  True, but there are different levels.  Some women leave their babies in the woods, but some women just get the weepies.

Hi.  Since you're African American, I was wondering I could borrow several Marvin Gaye CDs?
  Sure, come on in kid.  Here ya go.
Thanks.  Mazeltov on the baby.

Now give me a hug…you know, what, can you change first?  Cuz I don't wanna get any booby juice on my new t-shirt.

(To me, the best thing about Elliot is all her extra cash.)

This couch reminds me of my grandpa.  He used to drive around in a car just like it.  You know, until he was killed in that seven car pileup.
  7 Car Pile-Up would be a good name for a rockband.
Yeah, you actually told me that on the day that he died.

Laverne, if I accidentally backed my car over Barbie for sticking me with the world's most annoying patient, what do you think your boy Jesus would do?
  Your wife is on the phone.
He is not a merciful god, is he?

This gourmet trailmix is fantastic, I'm tasting vanilla, cranberry…a hint of pine…
  That's potpourri, genius.
Is that hickory?

 You should see all the sweet new toys Elliot bought, it's awesome.  It's like that time in college when we got to split all of Chugski's stuff when he drank himself to death.
  I miss you, you crazy Polish bastard!
Pour some out for one's homeys.

Say hello to your lactation specialists.
  Try tickling her lip with the nipple to let her know it's time to eat.
    Then just use your breast to lower her bottom lip.
      I can't see the nipple.
Todd, get the hell out of here.

Look, Barbie, what you're missing here is that you're private practice now, and that means you're the enemy.  I know, as a doctor, disease is supposed to be the enemy but I'm giving hepatitis and his band of infectious buddies a pass and I'm coming after you today.  Because the bottom line is you'd rather clock out of here early than run the extra mile for your patients, and Barbie, that makes you a sellout.

Now if you ask me, Isabella is placing calls but no one is responding in the areola code.
Those two little turkey timers you got there are telling me that birdie's not done.  And this place is too public for me to arouse them freaky deaky style, so I'm gonna have to go an alternate route.  Your dead mama had one of the fattest asses I ever seen!
Ding ding!  Turkey's done.

Why are you watching my baby, and where's my wife?

Hey Chuckles?  If you're a dootyface, just keep walking.  That's funnier every time!

Baby, let's go see the doctor.
  No.  I'm not gonna have people laugh at me because I can't care for my own child.  No doctors, not now, not ever.

Nice singlet.  Does it come in hetero?

See Keith found his old high school uniform so we've incorporated it into our loveplay.  I'm the lesbian coach and he's the captain of the wrestling team and he turns me.

Don't you just love the way his thighs rub against your ears?
  No, not particularly.

 More Scrubs Quotes…

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[BlogEntry] Scrubs Quotes : My House

Well, on a good note, Scrubs is back early!  We don't have to wait until end of January like some shows. 

Wow, did I hate this episode.  "Hey, here's an idea, we haven't already done a bunch of 'House' jokes on the show yet, so let's do an entire episode devoted to making Dr. Cox look like Dr. House."  Apparently they think we all didn't get enough of My New Suit.  Plus, we get depressing story lines about how Eliot (Elliot?  Elliott?  How am I supposed to spell her name?) is not bonding with her friends anymore, and Carla's got post-partum depression.  Woohoo, a real hoot.  Overall it's just plain mean, but also silly and obvious.  The whole thing is about medical mysteries, but are any of them not obvious?  Plus most of the jokes are visual and unfunny, such as the paintball stuff.  Shooting somebody in the face with a paintball is actually pretty painful and dangerous.

Oh well, on with what I can find for quotes.  And yes, I did google for "Tako-tsubo cardiomyopathy", which is actually the unnecessarily complex Japanese way to say "stress cardiomyopathy" so he sounds more House-like.

I can't believe it's all over.  God, so many memories.  So many, many memories.  Who wants to say something first?
  Eliot, your new office is right there.  Nothing's gonna change but your lab coat.

On the up side I could give her dramatic "Don't go" kisses whenever I felt like it.
  Oh that was hot, stud.  But I think it's just my leg that's supposed to be up.

And you don't want to be around me when I'm pregnant, all the women in my family go psycho…
   You know, I'm back, perfectly fine.  Hit the wall.

Hey, look who I brought to see her mama…
  Somebody else's child?
    We've got a code pink, people!  Somebody just stole a baby!

I don't know if you know this, but the icepacks you've been putting on your hooey run about forty two bucks a pop.

All right, who can tell me anything about Mr. Pierce?
  He uses oil heaters in his house in New Hampshire.
That answer was either very sarcastic or very stupid. Either way I'm whacking you with my clipboard.  Brace yourself.
  Wait!  He's hypoxic with a clear chest x-ray, which can be a sign of carbon monoxide poisoning.  I learned that watching 'House'.
    House is a *genius*.
That's it, I'm whacking both of you.

Look, I know you all curl up on your futons at night dreaming of cracking a real medical mystery so that some doctor slash supermodel will want to touch your eruption button.  But, here's the bad news.  This isn't a tv show, there aren't any cameras here, real medical mysteries don't happen every week and real doctors damn sure don't look like models.  They look like Rex.
Chin up, ya ugly bastard.  So, if you want to solve a real mystery, go ahead and figure out who's taking my New York Times every Sunday.  Or, better yet, how about why anybody on the planet thinks Dane Cook is funny?  As far as Mr. Pierce goes, he has your run of the mill pulmonary embolism and I know, I know, it is a boring medical diagnosis, but that's what hospitals are.  Boring.

Hey, there's that baby you stole.

And phone sex is out of the question, because I'm a righty when I talk on the phone, but I'm also a righty when I'm teaching Mini-JD who daddy is.

I wanted to give you your paycheck in person so you can hand it back to me to pay your bill.
  Why don't you just hang on to that, sir.
That's not how it works.  Now I'm going to hand it to you, and I want you to look at it, sigh, and give it back to me.

I invented a machine that prints business cards.
  That's already been invented.
I know.  But mine also fires paint pellets.

Dr. Reed I thought I would just stop in and say goodbye.
  Why?  I'll still be working here.
Yes, but you won't be working for Sacred Heart, the place that spent a fortune training you, only to have you take off for greener pastures.  You're like a prostitute that gets paid up front then bolts from the restaurant after dinner.  It's about common courtesy, Reed, whether to your boss or a kind-hearted John who's given you a lot of business over the years.  So goodbye, Ms. Mai Ling of Gentle Oriental Escort, and goodbye, Dr. Reed.  I won't be speaking to either of you ever again.

Well what's it called?
  Frecklefart 90.
Awww, for the freckle on  ass, my lactose intolerance, and the fact that I graduated high school in 1990.
  Yes.  That was so lucky!

No matter what I do to entertain myself I'm still bored, whether it's reading the paper or shaving the sideburns off of some resident because his license plate says "PARTYDOC".

This one time, my dad wasn't talking to my mom because she stopped boffing the gardener during the height of weed season.  I know!  She wasn't thinking.

The only thing worse than not knowing why a patient is crashing is being offered help by the hospital's grief counselor, Dr. Hedrick.
  Need help, old friend?
Oh yeah, her kidneys are failing.  Give her a pep talk, stat!

You know, instead of lashing out at me, why don't you turn that anger guy at the person you're really mad at.  Mommy? Just a guess.  I mean, there's gotta be a reason you're always such a d-bag, right?

Maybe he got freaky with some Cheetos.

Maybe he used some fake tan cream.  Used it once, turned me orange all over.
  There were no foreign substances found on his skin, but kudos Keith on finally outing yourself.

Yeah, I don't really give a rat's doodoo maker, Turk.

Don't say hate, Ghandi. You kids throw that work around so much it's lost all its meaning.   Now, now I have to find a work stronger than hate to describe how I feel about others.  Hmmmmm…..I megaloathe you all.  Good day.

I can read a chart, newbie.  Now leave before I put a rhinestone collar around your neck, have you fixed and make you my lapdoctor.

You usually have to go to a van convention to see art of this quality.  Ya do.
  Got a confession to make I actually cheated a little, I used an actual head from the morgue as a model.  Be careful, it's actually around here somewhere.

  I also buy and sell feet.  So anyway you want to go, I got you covered.

Tako-tsubo cardiomyopathy, otherwise known as Broken Heart Syndrome, is when a severe emotional trauma triggers a weakening of the heart muscle.

She's gonna need alot more counseling, but we'll get her there. Well, not so much we, as me.  Your part, the bungling of the diagnosis, is done.

I can't believe you can have heart failure just from being sad.  I mean, how are you supposed to treat that?  He's coding, get me a box of kittens, stat!  Possible side effects of kittens include sneezing, tiny scratches, and erectile dysfunction.

Will you excuse me for a second?
  Oh, god yes.

Look, we're gonna talk every night, we're gonna get you a hands free headset for phone sex.  We're gonna get through it.

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