[BlogEntry] Scrubs Quotes : My House

Well, on a good note, Scrubs is back early!  We don't have to wait until end of January like some shows. 

Wow, did I hate this episode.  "Hey, here's an idea, we haven't already done a bunch of 'House' jokes on the show yet, so let's do an entire episode devoted to making Dr. Cox look like Dr. House."  Apparently they think we all didn't get enough of My New Suit.  Plus, we get depressing story lines about how Eliot (Elliot?  Elliott?  How am I supposed to spell her name?) is not bonding with her friends anymore, and Carla's got post-partum depression.  Woohoo, a real hoot.  Overall it's just plain mean, but also silly and obvious.  The whole thing is about medical mysteries, but are any of them not obvious?  Plus most of the jokes are visual and unfunny, such as the paintball stuff.  Shooting somebody in the face with a paintball is actually pretty painful and dangerous.

Oh well, on with what I can find for quotes.  And yes, I did google for "Tako-tsubo cardiomyopathy", which is actually the unnecessarily complex Japanese way to say "stress cardiomyopathy" so he sounds more House-like.

I can't believe it's all over.  God, so many memories.  So many, many memories.  Who wants to say something first?
  Eliot, your new office is right there.  Nothing's gonna change but your lab coat.

On the up side I could give her dramatic "Don't go" kisses whenever I felt like it.
  Oh that was hot, stud.  But I think it's just my leg that's supposed to be up.

And you don't want to be around me when I'm pregnant, all the women in my family go psycho…
   You know, I'm back, perfectly fine.  Hit the wall.

Hey, look who I brought to see her mama…
  Somebody else's child?
    We've got a code pink, people!  Somebody just stole a baby!

I don't know if you know this, but the icepacks you've been putting on your hooey run about forty two bucks a pop.

All right, who can tell me anything about Mr. Pierce?
  He uses oil heaters in his house in New Hampshire.
That answer was either very sarcastic or very stupid. Either way I'm whacking you with my clipboard.  Brace yourself.
  Wait!  He's hypoxic with a clear chest x-ray, which can be a sign of carbon monoxide poisoning.  I learned that watching 'House'.
    House is a *genius*.
That's it, I'm whacking both of you.

Look, I know you all curl up on your futons at night dreaming of cracking a real medical mystery so that some doctor slash supermodel will want to touch your eruption button.  But, here's the bad news.  This isn't a tv show, there aren't any cameras here, real medical mysteries don't happen every week and real doctors damn sure don't look like models.  They look like Rex.
Chin up, ya ugly bastard.  So, if you want to solve a real mystery, go ahead and figure out who's taking my New York Times every Sunday.  Or, better yet, how about why anybody on the planet thinks Dane Cook is funny?  As far as Mr. Pierce goes, he has your run of the mill pulmonary embolism and I know, I know, it is a boring medical diagnosis, but that's what hospitals are.  Boring.

Hey, there's that baby you stole.

And phone sex is out of the question, because I'm a righty when I talk on the phone, but I'm also a righty when I'm teaching Mini-JD who daddy is.

I wanted to give you your paycheck in person so you can hand it back to me to pay your bill.
  Why don't you just hang on to that, sir.
That's not how it works.  Now I'm going to hand it to you, and I want you to look at it, sigh, and give it back to me.

I invented a machine that prints business cards.
  That's already been invented.
I know.  But mine also fires paint pellets.

Dr. Reed I thought I would just stop in and say goodbye.
  Why?  I'll still be working here.
Yes, but you won't be working for Sacred Heart, the place that spent a fortune training you, only to have you take off for greener pastures.  You're like a prostitute that gets paid up front then bolts from the restaurant after dinner.  It's about common courtesy, Reed, whether to your boss or a kind-hearted John who's given you a lot of business over the years.  So goodbye, Ms. Mai Ling of Gentle Oriental Escort, and goodbye, Dr. Reed.  I won't be speaking to either of you ever again.

Well what's it called?
  Frecklefart 90.
Awww, for the freckle on  ass, my lactose intolerance, and the fact that I graduated high school in 1990.
  Yes.  That was so lucky!

No matter what I do to entertain myself I'm still bored, whether it's reading the paper or shaving the sideburns off of some resident because his license plate says "PARTYDOC".

This one time, my dad wasn't talking to my mom because she stopped boffing the gardener during the height of weed season.  I know!  She wasn't thinking.

The only thing worse than not knowing why a patient is crashing is being offered help by the hospital's grief counselor, Dr. Hedrick.
  Need help, old friend?
Oh yeah, her kidneys are failing.  Give her a pep talk, stat!

You know, instead of lashing out at me, why don't you turn that anger guy at the person you're really mad at.  Mommy? Just a guess.  I mean, there's gotta be a reason you're always such a d-bag, right?

Maybe he got freaky with some Cheetos.

Maybe he used some fake tan cream.  Used it once, turned me orange all over.
  There were no foreign substances found on his skin, but kudos Keith on finally outing yourself.

Yeah, I don't really give a rat's doodoo maker, Turk.

Don't say hate, Ghandi. You kids throw that work around so much it's lost all its meaning.   Now, now I have to find a work stronger than hate to describe how I feel about others.  Hmmmmm…..I megaloathe you all.  Good day.

I can read a chart, newbie.  Now leave before I put a rhinestone collar around your neck, have you fixed and make you my lapdoctor.

You usually have to go to a van convention to see art of this quality.  Ya do.
  Got a confession to make I actually cheated a little, I used an actual head from the morgue as a model.  Be careful, it's actually around here somewhere.

  I also buy and sell feet.  So anyway you want to go, I got you covered.

Tako-tsubo cardiomyopathy, otherwise known as Broken Heart Syndrome, is when a severe emotional trauma triggers a weakening of the heart muscle.

She's gonna need alot more counseling, but we'll get her there. Well, not so much we, as me.  Your part, the bungling of the diagnosis, is done.

I can't believe you can have heart failure just from being sad.  I mean, how are you supposed to treat that?  He's coding, get me a box of kittens, stat!  Possible side effects of kittens include sneezing, tiny scratches, and erectile dysfunction.

Will you excuse me for a second?
  Oh, god yes.

Look, we're gonna talk every night, we're gonna get you a hands free headset for phone sex.  We're gonna get through it.

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